


Dream a Little Dream of Me

by luria (QualityMutants)



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Angst, First Kiss, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I don’t really know how to tag, Idiots in Love, Keating is there too maybe, M/M, New York City, Slow Dancing, Success, a couple of OC's bc no one from dps lives in nyc, but like minor angst, crack ships because I say so, essentially, excessive usage of 50s slang for no reason other than I think it's cool, gay people everywhere because I say so, they're so in love, yes it's the typical anderperry move to nyc fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28326066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QualityMutants/pseuds/luria
Summary: Todd and Neil run to NYC to pursue their real passions in life. They're in love but they don't know it and all it should take for them to realise is some kind people in their lives, a record player, and lots and lots of trust in each other.AKA they run off to New York, meet some cool ppl, go to some riots, learn about the world and themselves etc,AKA maybe the true carpe diem was the friends we made along the way
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 68
Kudos: 99





	1. Nuwanda is the best friend a person could ask for

**Author's Note:**

> To Leah, Dorian, Alice, Lou, Lucy, Renee, Ella, Maisie, Scarlett, Echo, Phoebe, Bea, Alex, and every wonderful person that's inspired me lately. I love you all an embarrassing amount.
> 
> This story is the product of me being in love with New York and its promises, and in love with Todd and Neil and their story. It's also the product of me, sleep deprived, at 3am on Christmas Day. Enjoy
> 
> twt is @verumls <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie has a plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do have a playlist for this fic as it’s my baby and i need 50s music to get me in the mood to write abt the 50s
> 
> so here it is! all these songs are songs todd and neil listen to at some point in the fic whether it’s written or unwritten 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0ii10HhKVPTXZArHcFpcbh?si=7nXqbNBgTSqXoQ2-Ryuc4A

December 23rd, 1959

When Neil Perry had first heard there were going to be open auditions for a small production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream at the local theatre, he’d been so overjoyed that he signed himself up on a whim, forgetting who he was, who he had to answer to, and who he was supposed to be. After attending every rehearsal without fail, and putting on a performance he knew in himself was wonderful, here he sat, at seven PM on Christmas Eve Eve, with a father he knew he’d never impress, and a mother he knew he’d never be worth speaking up for.

Dinner was silent, as it was every year. He hated it. There was the clock ticking loudly that his father had only bought because it was expensive and large, and irked him every time he came home. The noise itself was fine; there were plenty of clocks like that at Welton; but on its own, when he knew there should probably be talking and laughter to drown it out, it was deafening. 

The truth was, he didn’t even think he’d make it to this Christmas. After being told with such convincing finality he’d never see his friends again after the performance, he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to escape the figurative prison his father was keeping him in. He’d been more than prepared to end it all that day. It still scares him how much he’d wanted to. 

Ultimately, it was Todd that rang the house phone that night, asking if he was okay. He wasn’t, and Todd said it was okay that he wasn’t. They spoke about everything Neil had wanted to say to his father: all his dreams of being an actor and living out all these stories and lives and everything he’d probably told Todd a million times, but he didn’t seem to mind. Then, a few days later, his father got a call from Mr Dalton, asking why on earth he thought the sure-fire way to get a boy to Harvard was through military school. Neil had made a mental note to thank Charlie as soon as they went back to school after Christmas. Another reason to keep going: to thank Charlie and Todd.

That damned clock. He looked down at his plate and realised he’d forgotten to eat at a pace that would be considered normal, and that his father had taken to glaring at him until he noticed. 

“Sorry sir. I’m not hungry,” he said, mentally cursing himself for the way his voice slightly broke when addressing him. 

“Well. Make sure you’ve worked up the appetite for tomorrow. We have guests coming.”

That was one thing he couldn’t stand about his father – and he hated thinking that, hated that he was ungrateful enough to have things he couldn’t stand about his own parents – the fact that when he spoke to him it was as if he wasn’t a real person, just a stranger in his house playing the role of his son. If he fucked up the lines he’d lose the part, and he was almost certain he was going to fuck up soon. 

“Yes Sir. I’ll make sure of it.” 

He looked to his mother, who was wearing the same vacant expression as always, before turning back to his food, which he was sure had gone cold by now. 

He didn’t care about how much he embarrassed his father by not eating a bit of turkey the next day, nor did he care about which guests he’d decided to invite round this year. It was the same every year: people he’d seen before but couldn’t quite remember the names of, people he knew were only there for business, and people who knew him but he didn’t know. It was his teacher, Keating, who had once mentioned to him that he was living his life through a series of roles, and he agreed. It was beyond tiring putting on an act every second of your life. 

Some of his greatest performances included: Son, Student, Future Lawyer, and, his favourite addition and by far the most notable, Puck. Puck was a great role; it only lasted two hours and he wasn’t even on stage the whole time. Most importantly, everyone was aware he was acting, in contrast to his other roles. 

That performance had felt like a break in his life, a pause in time during which he got to be someone else for once. Using someone else’s words and his own energy to enthrall an audience and lead them through someone else’s story. 

Now, however, the clock still ticked, and time continued. His life as Neil Perry the Expected went on. 

The next day started out as expected. 

He woke up, got dressed, greeted his parents “good morning,” and pretended to study in his room. (“Best get studying now so you get ahead in case we have another ‘incident’ like last term,” his father had so kindly suggested). 

The first guests were not expected until at least four in the afternoon, so you can imagine Neil’s utter dread and surprise when the doorbell rang at just twelve. With a resigned sigh, he stood up, flattening his jumper down and making sure his hair didn’t look deliberately unkempt, so as to not embarrass his father. 

He’d been half-way down the stairs when he heard a confident “hey Mrs Perry,” from the hall. And he’d just about made it into the living room when he was practically tackled into a hug from Charlie himself. 

“Woah, what are you doing here?” he asked, unable and unwilling to mask the joy in his voice.

“Your dad invited my dad, obviously, but don’t worry, I come bearing fellow party animals. And Todd.”

“What?” he pulled away suddenly. “Everyone?”

“Even Cameron.”

Neil practically beamed, and even Charlie’s smirk fizzled into something softer.

“Thanks Charlie.”

“It’s Nuwanda.”

Neil laughed. “Your parents are here.”

“All the more reason to say it. Anyway, I’m here first because I knew otherwise you’d just be sat doing nothing or pretending you like chemistry. And because whilst your dad is talking to my dad, I need to talk to you.”

“What about?”

“Something I found. Come on, back upstairs,” he began pushing Neil by his shoulders back towards the staircase, checking his watch as he did so. 

“Wait did you say Todd would be coming?” he suddenly remembered him mentioning. Charlie just laughed. 

“Very soon so hurry; I need your approval on this before he gets here.”

“Approval– what are you planning?”

He got no response as Charlie decided to overtake him, practically sprinting to Neil’s room, forcing him to hurry to catch up.

“Sit!” He shut the door behind them before reaching into his coat pocket. “Take a look at this,” he said, handing Neil a crumpled poster with the title ACTORS WANTED written in bold across the top. 

“Charlie, this is-”

“It’s in New York! They’re looking for young actors aged sixteen to eighteen,” he pointed to the section he mentioned, “who wanna be trained in acting and do theatre and stuff.”

His heart pounded. He wouldn’t let himself get too excited, not this time. 

“Right but we live in Vermont. Where did you even get this? And what’s Todd got to do with it?”

“Already considered,” he said bluntly, with a dismissive wave. “You. Todd. Move to New York. Look at the very bottom of the page, see.” He moved his finger to point at a small area of text at the bottom of the poster. “Writers wanted, too.”

“Okay. I see what you’re getting at but I can’t just move to New York, and I especially can’t just ask Todd to move with me. He’d have to give up everything.”

“Maybe. But everything you have right now… it’s not what you want. I can tell. It’s not often I’m this serious with you Neil, you know that, but I really think you should think about it. Sure you’ve got a nice house, some money you can claim when your dad dies, whatever. I know you don’t give a shit about any of it.”

Silence. 

“I’d be homeless.”

“No, no, you wouldn’t. I have an aunt that moved there a few years ago. My family don’t speak about her, like ever, but we keep in touch. Anyway, she’s looking to move out of her current apartment with her roommate, meaning there’s a room free just begging for new inhabitants,” he feigned a grave concern for the soon-to-be-empty room. 

“Nice try, Nuwanda. I’ll have no money.”

“Jesus Neil have you even been reading that? You pass the audition process and Todd’s work gets accepted, living costs paid, tuition costs paid.” He scoffed suddenly: “like they’d make a sixteen year old pay rent. If you’re under eighteen you need parental permission. Lucky for you...”

“...I turn eighteen next month. And what, you’re basing this entire move on… a hunch we’ll be accepted? And that Todd will even agree?”

“Look. First of all, Todd will agree if you agree. His family don’t care about his future; they already have a successful kid; and he’d go to the ends of the Earth for you-”

“I don’t think-”

“The ends of the Earth. That’s why I’m asking you first. Second-”

The doorbell rang again. Charlie checked his watch and smiled. 

“Todd’s here.”

The two boys quickly raced back downstairs, briefly greeting Todd’s parents and brother before grabbing him and dragging him with them back upstairs, ignoring his protests of confusion on the way. 

“Hey Todd.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“It’s Nuwanda, actually.”

That stirred a laugh out of Todd, easing any worry he might’ve felt at the actions of his friends.

“What is this?”

“Okay,” Charlie started. “First sit down – you’re gonna want to be sitting for this.” He sat on the chair that had previously been facing Neil’s desk, meaning Todd sat next to Neil on his bed, both leaning against the wall. Charlie opened his mouth to say something, but shook his head instead.  
“Neil, I think you’re better off saying this.”

“Me? This was your idea! I didn’t even agree to it yet.”

“Exactly! Yet! Which means you will! So tell him.”

Neil sighed, bringing his palm to his forehead and rubbing the side of his face. He turned to Todd. 

“Todd. I might be running away – to New York.”

“You- what?” Todd jolted forwards towards him. 

“Charlie found this;” he handed Todd the poster. “God knows where; but I think I’m gonna do it. Move.” 

Surprisingly, Todd seemed to actually take the time to read the full poster before responding any further, which is the total opposite of what Neil had done. Neil supposed that was indicative of their individual natures: Todd being thorough and considerate, himself being spontaneous and careless. He’d mentioned that to Todd once, but Todd had just smiled at him and told him “you’re much more considerate than you think.”

“Okay. Have you told your parents?”

“Of course he hasn’t. Why do you think we dragged you upstairs where no one can hear us?”

Todd sighed. “You’re seriously running away?”

Neil thought for a moment. When Todd put it like that it sounded like he was just being too scared to go on, like he was fleeing to avoid his own life. 

“I’m not running away, Todd. I’m just… leaving.”

Another sigh escaped his lips, less deliberate this time. “I’m not going to ask you why. I know. But are you sure about this? It’s a lot. You’re only seventeen, Neil.”  


Neil almost laughed. “You think my age is the problem? I even could’ve done this had I been a year younger. The problem is the audition. I’d be leaving everything up to the chance they’ll want me.”

“They’ll want you,” Charlie said. “Tell him, Todd.”

“You were amazing last week – everyone thought so. The audition won’t be a problem.”

“You both flatter me,” he joked. 

“Neil, we’re serious. You’re more than good enough. And so is Todd.”

“Me? What’ve I got to do with this?” Todd shoved the poster back onto his lap, looking up to Charlie with the expression of utter fear and confusion he’d worn when they first grabbed him and started dragging him down the hall.

“Well,” Neil began, tentatively. “You don’t have to, but I want you to come with me.”

Silence.

“Have I ever told you you’re insane?”

Charlie laughed, a loud knowing laugh. 

“Multiple times. It was Charlie’s idea. Don’t worry about it.”

“No wait wait, look Todd,” he pointed at the poster still sitting in Todd’s lap. “Writers wanted. That’s you; brilliant mind of yours.”

“You’re both insane. I can’t just… I don’t know. I can’t just leave.”

“Why not?” Charlie aske.

“Charlie, leave it-” Neil tried. 

“No. Why not, Todd? Why can’t you leave? You could probably even contact your parents once you got there and ask for money.”

“Isn’t that a bit…”

“Yeah, Nuwanda. Surely running away then contacting your parents defeats the whole purpose.”

“Neil. In your case you’re escaping. In Todd’s case it’d be more like deviating.”

“Deviating?” Neil protested. 

“No, I think I understand.”

The three of them sat in silence for a few moments, thinking about the gravity of the situation, and just what would happen if they went through with this. It was Todd who broke the silence. 

“So, what? You’re going to act and I’m going to write and we’re going to have no money and live– where will we live? Oh my god-”

“All sorted. My aunt’s old apartment, if you want it.”

“So,” he took a moment to process everything. Then, he turned his body back to face Neil. “You want us to move from Vermont, from one of the best schools in the country, where we’re practically guaranteed good careers, to somewhere in New York, where we can just do whatever we want?”

Neil didn’t respond. 

“Are you sure you want me to come?”

Neil could feel Todd’s determined gaze, and it was like nothing he’d ever seen in him before. Christ, Todd was always finding new ways to surprise him, new ways to make his heart flip. 

Charlie stood up suddenly – “I’m gonna go… not be here right now. Call me back up if you need me to help you plan things out,” he said, but neither boy hardly heard him. There were a couple of soft clicks of the door opening then closing.

“I’m certain. Why wouldn’t I want you to come?”

“I mean,” Todd averted his eyes for a second. “We’ve talked about this. I’m not like you.”

“You don’t have to be. I don’t want you to be. I want you as you are.”

“Neil.”

“Todd, I’m serious. I can’t stay here anymore. You don’t have to come and I really think I’ll be going someplace else soon anyway but I’d much rather have someone with me, and you’re the person I want most.”

His words, as spoken, were intended in the most literal sense. But that didn’t stop the gravity of what he’d said tugging at the air between them. Neil practically felt his heart drop in his chest, surprised at what he’d said. It was true – Todd was the person Neil wanted most in the world, in all senses – but Todd never needed to know that. 

“I’ll miss my mom.”

“Me too.”

“Your mom never says anything.”

“She’s just scared she’ll say something wrong. Like me.”

“So you’re leaving.”

“Yeah.”

“When are we going?”

Neil’s brow twitched in confusion for a moment, not quite taking in what Todd had said. When Charlie had first mentioned it, he’d never even considered the thought or hope that Todd might agree. 

“I don’t know,” he laughed. He stole a glance at Todd, who was trying not to beam too much, but ultimately failed once Neil beamed back at him. He laughed some more, and Todd joined him; and for a moment they were just two boys laughing in a room, with nothing but themselves to stop them from living the lives they’d always wanted. Lives in which they would truly seize the day, exploring their passions and never having to answer to anyone. Lives in which maybe one day they might sit here, in a room, as more than just friends, and with that being okay with everyone around them. “I’ll get Charlie.”

And Charlie, being the most brilliant and wonderful friend a person could possibly ask for, seemed to have really thought this through. The difference between Charlie and Neil was that the majority of Charlie’s actions only looked reckless, but most times he’d thought it through and decided “fuck it,” whereas Neil didn’t think things through, he simply ‘did.’

The plan was not simple.

Neil would pack his things then and there, making sure he had absolutely everything he needed and everything he’d miss the most. In this were clothes, money, photos, plays, and the phone numbers of everyone he knew. He didn’t have room to take the entire crown he’d worn as Puck, so he tore a twig off of it and stuck it to the inner side of his bag. 

Todd was to plan what he’d pack then and there, so that as soon as he got home he could start packing, and get out of his house as soon as he heard that everyone was asleep. He wrote down the essentials, noting down whatever Neil packed too as he watched. He also added more miscellaneous items too, such as his favourite pens and notebooks.  


As the mastermind behind the plan, Charlie gave himself arguably the most important role, and fittingly so. He was to make sure both Todd and Neil had a ride to the nearest bus station, which seems easy, but when you consider the fact that said driver must agree to helping two rich boys run away to The Big Apple in the middle of the night, the task suddenly becomes a much more daunting and precarious endeavour.

Charlie being Charlie, however, didn’t seem to mind this fact in the slightest. 

“My cousin will pick you up from down the street, Neil, you know near the bend next to that tree, you know the one. Then you'll go to get Todd. Todd, you’re being picked up from further up from your house since your driveway is just inconveniently huge. That okay?”

“Yeah.” He sounded breathless. 

“Good. You’ll go from near the Church near your house to the bus stop. Wait there for the bus. You’ll be on for roughly three hours so if you’re gonna sleep, take turns. Then you’ll be in Hanover, New Hampshire. From there you get the bus straight to New York, New York, the land of your dreams. That’s five hours, so again sleep if you want but take turns or you’ll end up in like Philadelphia or something, I don’t know. Just stay alert, alright? Alert and safe. Anyway, from there my aunt said she’ll pick you up, and if she can’t then she promises her roommate will be there. It’ll be about eight or nine in the morning by then, and you’re good to stay in their apartment even though they haven’t officially moved out yet. God. I’m so excited for you guys.”

Charlie was practically glowing, so proud of his plan and seeing that it’s about to take place. 

“You already confirmed this plan with people before you even told us?” Todd realised. 

“Well – yeah. I had a feeling you’d both agree, though.”

Neil couldn’t talk, couldn’t find the words. Charlie had really given him an escape from all this, knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to see him for a long time afterwards. Not to mention he risked getting caught if a single adult in his plan told his parents. Not to mention he included Todd in the plan because he knew how much Neil secretly needed Todd, needed his warmth and comfort and being. Not to mention the time it must’ve taken.

“Neil?” Charlie asked, softer now. “Neil, you’re crying.”

Was he? He hadn’t realised at all. He didn’t waste his breath coming up with an excuse, just stood up from where he’d been sitting to pull Charlie into a fierce hug. 

“Thanks Charlie.” He swore he could feel a sudden dampness on his own shoulder, right where Charlie’s eyes were. But as he pulled away, Charlie was still smiling back at him. 

“Don’t mention it.” He checked his watch. “Everyone will be here soon.”

“Oh,” Todd spoke, realising something else. “This is our going away party, isn’t it?”

Charlie’s smile remained fixed. “Absolutely. Everyone else already knows. They’re not thrilled about it, especially Cameron. Knoxious is really excited about it.” He glanced down at his hands. “He helped me plan actually.”

Neil and Todd shared a look, warmth spreading through both of their faces. 

The doorbell rang again. 

Charlie smirked and stood up from Neil’s chair, leaving it untucked from the desk, before turning back to look back at the other two boys.

“Party time.”

As half-expected, Knox arrived first, then Meeks, Cameron, and Pitts. It didn’t matter to Neil when they arrived, however; the fact they came at all was enough for him, and it truly meant the world that he had such wonderful and supportive friends. 

Each of the Dead Poets had brought Todd and Neil a parting gift each, with the condition that they would only be opened the next day. Cameron said something to Neil along the lines of “I can’t believe you’d agree to leave before you get your actual Christmas presents,” before handing him his. Little did Cameron know, his father had likely gotten him something STEM related for Christmas, so it’s not like Neil would’ve liked his gifts anyway. 

Neil’s garden was absolutely freezing, but the boys wanted privacy away from their parents for their final goodbye gathering, so to the garden they went, ruddy faces and all. 

“You know how excited I am for you two?” Knox had said for possibly the eighth time that afternoon. “I want you to know, and I think I speak for everyone here, that we support you, and just call if you need anything. And write to us once you’re settled and you’re ready, or if you just wanna. I don’t know. I’m just so excited. Talk about carpe diem.”

The others laughed. Meeks chimed in next. “Seriously though. We’re all going to miss you. Both of you.” He looked between both Neil and Todd. 

“We’ll miss you too,” Neil spoke, a fondness slipping through his voice. 

“Well,” Charlie started, “I’m not crying until you’re gone. And we still have,” he checked his watch again, “four hours until this whole dinner is over. I say we make the most of it.”

And they did make the most of it. They spent the rest of the night joking and remembering the times they had together over the past few years, making sure to expand on events for Todd who had only met them that year. It was wonderful, really. Neil knew he could and would call them his friends for life, and was certain this night wouldn’t be the last he ever saw of them, no matter how it felt. Because they were teenagers, and everything seems like a big deal when you’re teenagers. Especially when faces you’d grown used to seeing every day suddenly weren’t going to be there anymore. 

Each member had handwritten a poem for the night, about friendship or how much they’d miss them or just something funny to make everyone laugh. Neil and Todd alike appreciated it all the same. Charlie had bravely told Keating his plan before they broke up for Christmas, shortly after the Midsummer Night’s Dream performance, and Keating had written a letter for each of them, in the case that they both agreed to go. Both boys had teared up receiving their letters, and as they read the encouraging words from their most inspiring teacher, everyone sat in silence for a while and just embraced the moment and the atmosphere. They all knew it’d be the last time for a long time that things would be like this. And when they met again, things might not be the same at all. It was scary – terrifying even – but each knew it would be the best thing for them. 

Charlie lied. Tears fell from his eyes long before it was time to go, and they didn’t stop falling for hours. He never sobbed. He kept a relaxed composure throughout the evening, swiftly wiping his tears away when anyone noticed. But it didn’t matter, as they’d all shed a few tears by the time they were forced to go back inside for the actual dinner. None of them could be bothered coming up with a believable excuse: “hay fever,” a couple of them had told their parents.

Dinner was significantly less unbearable than usual. Granted, every other year his father had thrown this dinner he hadn’t had the most wonderful boy sitting next to him, a boy who’d agreed to give everything up to run away with him. They stole glances at each other and smiled and shared the pain of having insufferably boring and pointless conversations with adults they’d never see again. 

Dinner was significantly less lonely than usual. Granted, every other year his father had thrown this dinner he hadn’t had his most precious friends with him, even if it was so they could say goodbye. All in all, dinner wasn’t bad. And not bad was a lot greater than usual. 

With each hug goodbye at the end of the evening, Neil could feel the love from each of his friends. He could feel how much they’d miss him, and wanted him to do well, and he hoped they could feel the exact same from him. Well, almost from each. 

Hugging Todd goodbye was more to keep up pretences that hugging was a usual farewell in their group. When Todd pulled away, he kept his hands at Neil’s elbows for a moment, a fire in his eyes Neil had only seen once or twice before. He smirked at him like he had something to hide, but Neil knew it was their own little secret. Neil smiled back, mirroring Todd’s expression, only he did have something to hide: his absolute and total adoration for the boy standing right in front of him.


	2. The Best Christmas Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Todd and Neil finally get to New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no I do not proof read, no I do not plan😭 this chapter took me five hours to write and my eyes are burning from looking at google docs all day so enjoy! 
> 
> thanks campitts nation gc for helping me come up with names and extra things to write about ily

Think about every time you’ve been so excited for something that would happen the next day. The heart pounding, the anticipation, the excitement, often nerves too. Neil experienced all of these as soon as he heard his parents go to bed that night. Before they’d gone to bed, however, Neil remembered to hug his mother and tell her that he loved her, because although she constantly chose his father over him, he knew she did love him. He left a note for her on the kitchen table, which he was sure only she would find since his father never helped to cook breakfast. 

He knew he couldn’t leave as soon as they fell asleep: it was too risky. No, he’d have to wait until at least an hour later – until 11pm – to ensure they wouldn’t be awoken when his suitcase was thrown out the window and hit the ground below. 

During all of this, he thought mostly about Todd, who would be sitting in his room waiting, just as he was. Maybe he’d still be packing, maybe he’d be writing, maybe he’d be having second thoughts about this whole thing. Neil tried to push that last thought away as much as he could. Ultimately, he decided he would go even if Todd changed his mind, but he couldn’t deny it would hurt a lot if he did. 

Climbing out of his window should’ve been a lot scarier than it was. The truth is, he’d already done it multiple times. Whenever he needed an escape from that house, or he’d been told he couldn’t go out, he’d exit via window. Lucky for him, the patio roof stuck out under his window, so the jump was only half the height of his house overall. 

He ran. Sprinted, even. He knew running would increase the likelihood of him feeling tired later, but he didn’t care. Running was freedom, and he was going to be free. 

As planned by Charlie, there was already a red car pulled up near the bend next to the tree he’d spent sitting under for hours as a child. He let out a sigh of relief, and the bitter air around him smoked. A man was sitting behind the wheel, and looked up as if on cue. He beckoned Neil forwards with his hand.

He opened the car door and got in, tucking his suitcase under his legs. “You must be Charlie’s cousin,” he said. 

“You must be Neil. I’m Monty. I’m guessing you already know where we’re heading next?”

“Church near Todd’s place.”

“Brilliant. Let’s go.”

Monty was a sturdy-looking guy with a dark complexion and tight-curled hair styled neatly. His face looked young, though. He couldn’t have been much older than Neil himself. 

“I can practically feel you wanting to ask,” he laughed, a warm laugh that managed to shake his slight embarrassment away. “Charlie’s dad’s brother is Joe – I’m sure you’ve met him – and Joe married my mom, Lanelle, who’s black. And now I’m here.”

“Oh. That’s cool.” He felt stupid. “It must be tough. Not many people around here are the most accepting of anyone different to themselves.”

Monty looked surprised at that. He then smiled to himself. “Yeah, you’re right. Charlie was right about you.”

“What did he say about me?”

“You’re different to a lot of the people around here. I can tell that already. I presume your…. friend will be the same?”

“Todd? Yeah, he’s lovely. That’s why we’re doing this; because we’re sick of having to be the same as everyone else and just do whatever they tell us to do. Freethinkers and that.”

Monty chuckled. “Freethinkers at seventeen? I like it.”

“Well – Todd’s eighteen already. But yeah. The freest of thinkers!”

They both laughed, and the rest of the journey to Todd’s house was just as comfortable, and just as nice. Neil was glad Charlie had asked Monty to help them, it was nice meeting someone so far in attitude from everyone else at Welton.

When they pulled up outside the Church near Todd’s house, Todd was already there, sitting on his luggage with his coat wrapped around him, using his arms to hug himself warm. Neil turned to Monty and asked if he could sit in the back with Todd, to which Monty responded “you don’t have to ask me! Go for it, it’s your world now.” 

It hadn’t even occurred to Neil how ingrained it was into him that he had to ask to do the majority of the things he did in a day. Things like “can I go to the bathroom,” “can I go back to my room,” and so forth were just no longer going to be part of his life. And he’d have to get used to that. He was excited to get used to it. 

Todd grinned at Neil when they both got in the car, and Neil felt his heart pound in a way completely different to the pounding of anticipation he’d felt earlier. Monty introduced himself, and Todd didn’t seem to need the explanation Neil had, as he just said a quiet “nice to meet you. Thank you for helping us,” and Monty seemed to understand the entire sentiment. 

The ride wasn’t silent, nor was it loud or rambunctious like meetings with the Poets, but it was filled with nice conversation and laughter, with Todd chiming in when he wanted too. 

They made it to the bus stop. They thanked Monty and asked him to thank Charlie again too if he gets the chance. Monty grinned at them both when they got out of the car, and before driving off wished them “good luck, gentlemen.”

And that was it. They were finally alone. Just Neil and Todd and a few belongings and every hope and worry in the world on their shoulders. The emphasis being on ‘their,’ as it was finally them making the decisions. 

“Well,” Neil started. “This is fucking insane.”

Todd gave a loud laugh. “Yeah. You’re crazy. We’re crazy.”

“You’re right about that one. God, did we really just do that? We’re seriously just… runaways!”

“Oh my God we did. Well, okay, we can’t really call ourselves runaways until we’re on the bus I’d say.”

“Okay then. As of- what time is it?”

Todd checked his watch. “Quarter to midnight.”

“Okay then. As of five minutes from now, when the bus gets here, we are officially runaways.”

Todd smiled and looked down towards the ground. “Thanks for this.”

“For what?”

“I would never have done this without you.”

Neil was silent for a moment, then mirrored Todd’s expression. “Todd I’d rather you thank me after this whole thing turns out well.”

“Even if it doesn’t. I’m glad we’re doing this.”

“Me too.”

“And I’m glad I’m with you.”

Before Neil had the time to internally short circuit, the bright headlights from the bus came into view. He placed a hand around Todd’s wrist when it came to a stop, leading him forwards. “Come, my little runaway. Our carriage awaits.”

The bus was mostly silent – it was nighttime after all – but at exactly midnight, Todd gave Neil a small nudge. He turned to meet his eyes. “Merry Christmas, Neil,” he said softly. 

“Merry Christmas, Todd.”

And for once, it would be a merry Christmas. They took turns opening their gifts that each of the Poets had handed them earlier: a pair of headphones each from Meeks and Pitts, a portable radio from Knox (with a note to Neil saying listening to music together can be romantic), a phone book and a map of New York from Cameron, and a letter from Charlie to each of them, promising their gifts await them when they get to New York.

At around ten past midnight on Christmas Day, they sat there together, Todd’s eyes shut and Neil’s eyes on Todd, listening to the melodic tunes of the radio. They’d heard only a few of the songs before, but that didn’t matter. It was wonderful to listen to. It was intimate and peaceful and for once in Neil’s life, he truly felt like he didn’t have to put on an act. He could just sit and simply ‘be.’

Todd fell asleep at some point, his head tipping to land on Neil’s shoulder. And Neil found some bravery within himself to put his hand over the other boy’s, and tilt his own head back to Todd’s. He let himself imagine they were just two boys in love with a world around them that didn’t care. He let himself imagine that he’d pass the audition in New York, that Todd’s writing would be accepted and they’d get to do anything and everything they’d ever dreamed. He let himself imagine them both later on in life, still living together and still nothing less than enamoured with each other. 

He imagined for the whole trip, never once feeling tired, not even as it hit three AM and the bus came to a halt in Hanover, at which point the night had gotten so cold that ice was starting to form on the windows. 

“Todd.” He nudged him. “Todd, dear, we’re here.”

They were lucky. It was only a couple of minutes after they got off the last bus that their next one came, ready to take them to New York City. The night was still quiet with most people asleep, but the excitement buzzing between them both and the radio still playing through their headphones were more than enough to keep them awake for the time being.

“In five hours we’ll be in New York,” Todd had said. It was such a simple statement, but the almost-disbelief in his voice conveyed how grand of a deal it was to both of them. He looked tired, but still offered to stay awake this time so that Neil could sleep for a few hours. Because that’s the type of person he was; lovely to the core. 

He’d told Todd “no;” that he’d let Todd sleep instead; but he must’ve fallen asleep anyway, as the next thing he remembered after getting on their last bus was Todd rubbing his shoulder saying “Neil. Neil, we made it. New York.”

They’d really done it. They’d successfully escaped the suffocating environment created by people like their parents and most of their teachers and even other kids in Vermont. They were in the Big Apple – no environment in America could be further from it. Neil felt his veins warm in excitement, despite the freezing air of Christmas Day morning.

A pale woman with dark hair and a black flare-outlined coat approached them. “You kids must be Charlie’s friends. I’m Donna.” She put forth a gloved hand to shake each of theirs. “Nice to meet you both. Heard a lot about you. We’re walking if that’s okay? Sorry – I know you must be exhausted. I mean, coming all the way from Vermont and all, especially by bus. I can’t believe this even worked. Charlie’s crazy, isn’t he?” Neil knew Donna must have at some point lived in Vermont, but her accent had completely converged to a more provincial one.

“Hey,” Neil spoke. “Um… how did you know it was us?”

“Huh?” She gave him an incredulous look. “Two young boys with expensive-lookin’ gear hop off a five hour long bus ride at eight in the morning. Not many like that, you wouldn’t believe.”

Neil looked at his surroundings for a moment, the types of people around him. He looked at what they were wearing, carrying, how they were walking. He and Todd definitely stuck out quite a bit. Oh, well. It was day one of their new life together. He was sure they’d fit in soon enough. 

“Ready to go?” Donna asked. They both nodded. 

The walk to Donna’s apartment was a quiet one, but she didn’t seem to mind. She was right: Neil and Todd really were exhausted. That didn’t stop them from taking in their new city, however. 

New York was beautiful. A million promises and tales now in concrete before him. Snow must’ve fallen at some point in the night, as it still looked fresh and mostly unstepped on, like a blanket. Each shop they walked past had some form of radio inside, so there was a constant stream of music around them every step of the way. It was everything that Vermont wasn’t.

For one, there were people here. Vermont obviously had people, but there were significantly more here. The difference was so starkly noticeable. Everything was much more variant. It was diverse in ethnicity, fashion, even the buildings seemed to have more distinct features. Everything was so bright and colourful and just interesting. Neil couldn’t believe he lived here now.

The apartment took them up a few flights of black metal stairs, and was decorated on the outside with bright red paint with white lining around the windows. Neil adored it. The interior was small, and decorated with cream patterned walls with light green details on the curtains and the rug. The lightbulb had no lampshade around it in the kitchen, and there was a window behind a sink that looked straight upon another brick wall. It was fairly quaint, and Neil looked over to Todd who was looking around with the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. They were so happy. It was nothing like what they were used to. It was absolutely perfect. 

Their bedroom – Donna and her roommate’s old bedroom – had two beds that a woman was currently in the process of pushing apart, a bookshelf practically the size of the wall with an oval mirror hanging in the middle of it, a desk with a brown leather seat, and a bathroom attached. 

“This is Evelyn, my roommate,” Donna said, making the other woman jump having not heard them walk in the room. 

“Oh! Hello!” She brightened. “I was just making sure Donna and I had everything.” She gave a final push to one of the beds, still looking at them. “Who’s Todd and who’s Neil?”

“I’m Neil.”

“Todd.”

“Pleased to meet you both. I can’t believe you were crazy enough to do this. I love it. D, we can’t take the record player. What d’you wanna do with it?”

Donna turned to the boys. “Let them keep it. Merry Christmas, boys. You’ve got yourselves a free record player. Have you got any records?” Both boys shook their heads. She turned back to Evelyn. “Of course you haven’t. Lucky for you, Charlie left you a present. It’s on the kitchen table.”

Surely enough, on the kitchen table lay a stack of records, mainly jazz records. All of them were from artists Neil recognised from when Charlie had talked about his love for the genre: Louis Armstrong, Miles Davis, Blakey and the Jazz Messengers, to name a few. Charlie had written that he’d made sure they had a gift when they arrived, but neither of them had expected anything like this. 

When they came out of the kitchen, Donna and Evelyn were on their way out of the door. “Sleep for now, then there’s a restaurant opposite here that’s open like always. Buy yourself something to eat if you want. It’s up to you,” Donna said to them before closing the door behind them. 

“Sleep?” Todd asked.

“Please.” 

*

Neil woke up to find Todd already awake, sitting at the desk in front of his own bed. 

“Hey,” he said. 

“Hey. What are you doing?”

“Planning our day. Look, come here.”

Neil rubbed some of the sleep out of his eyes before walking over to where Todd was sitting. 

“First. Food. I’m starving. It’s like two in the afternoon now so we can get a late lunch if you want. Then I was thinking we should go and find the theatre your audition will be at? And then I don’t know. But I do need to start writing my piece to hand in.”

Neil could do nothing but stare at him for a moment. “Todd, you’re perfect. Okay. We’ll do that.”

So they did. 

They bought themselves a burger each from the small but inviting restaurant on the street opposite their apartment and talked about what piece Neil was going to audition with, and what Todd was thinking of writing about. 

“I was thinking of uh...writing about... this. Us, I mean.”

“What, this whole trip?”

“Kinda. I don’t know. I’m bad at planning what I write.”

“Well. You’re good when it comes to actually writing it down. So just write whatever comes to you in the moment. I just know it’ll be amazing.”

“Thanks Neil.”

“No problem. I was thinking of bringing Puck back for my audition.”

“Cool. It’ll be great no matter what you do. Can I come and watch it when you do?”

“Sure. You’ve already seen it though?”

“Well I wanna see it again.”

Neil could only imagine the look plastered on his own face. If Todd didn’t know by now he was utterly smitten by him then he was just stupid. He was so overcome with just fondness for him. 

“Okay. You can be my special guest.”

Todd laughed at that. “Sounds good.”

After their late lunch (something they never would’ve been able to ask for back at school) they went to visit the theatre, mainly to make sure they knew where it was. It was a short walk away from the restaurant, and was recognisable even in the midst of the bright and manifold cityscape. It had the bright white board displaying what would be showing, and an angled roof with beams underneath, decorated in fairy lights for the festive season. Neil could practically picture it then and there, watching people line up to see a play he'd be a part of; Todd would be watching too, and once they both had enough money again, they'd go on regular trips to watch other people's shows.

“Best Christmas ever,” he’d said almost involuntarily, still staring up at it. 

“I’ll say,” he heard Todd say next to him. 

After walking around and exploring for a little while longer, they came across a small bookstore on a corner, and Neil dragged Todd in before Todd even had to suggest it. 

“I’m not buying anything,” Todd had said on the way in, but Neil was determined to get him something anyway. 

He spent about ten minutes searching, picking up different books and reading different sections to himself to see if Todd would like it. He knew exactly which books Todd had already read, and which ones he had to leave at home because he didn’t have room to pack them. But for their very first Christmas in a new city, Neil wanted to get him something new. Eventually, he came across a copy of a collection of poems by Gwendolyn Brooks entitled A Street in Bronzeville, in which he read a few of the lines of a few of the poems in there, and just knew Todd would love it. 

He walked up to the counter, ensuring Todd was still at the back of the shop so he couldn’t try to stop him, before buying it and putting it in a bag that the lady there had offered to him. 

When they finally made it back to the apartment, having strayed so far that they actually had to use the map Cameron had gifted them, they realised they both had things to give to each other. For Todd, the poem collection; for Neil, a passage of what Todd had started writing whilst Neil had been asleep, and continued whilst they were in the bookshop. 

They both sat on Neil’s bed facing each other as he was handed a piece of paper with Todd’s scrawled words laid across it. It read:

When your truth becomes optional  
and Authority’s unreliable  
The skies fire in and they say  
Your hopes are all delusional

And before you stepped on the pedal, we both realised  
They had us all surrounded  
Snow cast down on us from the alien skies  
And everything went from silent to crowded

Stepped forward, you took my hand  
We’d drive to the end of the moon  
To escape together and try to mend  
Everything they taught you that hurt you

And, well, Neil was already in love with Todd. There was no grand revelation nor fireworks exploding in his chest. He just felt grateful more than anything. He was grateful to be in love with Todd, who would spend his talents writing about him, who would be happy with no presents at all if it meant he could keep writing. It was the middle of winter and he still felt roses blooming in the pit of his stomach, where he thought was surely already overflowing with how much he adored the boy.

He only realised he hadn’t actually said anything when Todd cleared his throat, breaking the silence. “It’s only the first draft. I don’t really know what to do with it anyway; I have to submit some kind of actual story with it, so-”

“Todd. It’s wonderful. You just- God I don’t know. You just surprise me, that’s all. You always surprise me. Like, I know you’re talented, that’s as much of a fact as the fact your hair is blond. It’s just- You weren’t kidding when you said you were writing about us, huh?” He knew how breathless he sounded. He sounded like he’d just swooned.

“No not kidding at all. You’ve really inspired me, Neil.”

“Jesus Todd,” he smiled, bringing his eyes to Todd’s. “You can’t just say things like that.”

Todd frowned for a split second, so quick Neil wasn’t completely certain he hadn’t imagined it. “Why not?”

If they’d still been in Vermont, Neil might have lied. He might’ve put on an act. But this was New York, and it was Todd of all people. So instead, he only half lied. 

“You keep saying stuff like that to people, they’ll fall in love with you.” He winked, for extra measure. 

Todd, being the incredibly-easy-to-fluster person he was, started turning red almost immediately. “You say stuff like that to me all the time!”

“I do?”

“Yeah, you do. So what are you trying to do?”

It was awfully close. Neil knew Todd was going to take whatever he said seriously, and whatever he said would completely change the gravity of their relationship. Well, depending on whether he gave a definitive answer or not. 

He had two options. Just admit to Todd on day one of their new life together that he loves him, and risk Todd not wanting to stay with him anymore, leaving them both alone in the middle of New York. Or, lie and make it seem like he’s joking, which he knew would ultimately make Todd start questioning just about anything he’s ever said to him, as the majority of what he’s said to him has been sheer praise and adoring comments. He didn’t know which option was worse, and he certainly didn’t have enough time to start mapping out a probability graph of each outcome. 

So, he told a half truth. 

“I don’t need to try and do anything to you. I’m just being honest with you. It’s on you if you fall for me.” He attempted to make the last part sound like a joke, but he feared it most definitely sounded too nervous to not be serious. 

It must’ve been enough for Todd, however, he just laughed softly to himself. “I’m glad you liked the poem. I really am. You can keep that copy – it’s just for you. Merry Christmas.” His eyes were still averted from Neil’s, opting to stare down at his own lap. Neil could tell he wanted to say something more, so he waited patiently as Todd sorted through his own thoughts. 

Then, suddenly, Todd gave a short sigh and leaned forwards, swiftly pecking Neil on the cheek before he even had time to register what was going on. He quickly stood up off the bed, saying “I’m gonna put a record on.”

Neil was almost glad Todd had left the room. He tilted his head back towards the ceiling and smiled excitedly, bringing his fingertips up to where the skin of his cheeks were still tingling where Todd had kissed him. Maybe their life in the big city would turn out just as he’d imagined it the night before, he let himself think.


	3. You Drive Me Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The New Year kicks in. Todd drives Neil crazy by being nothing more than himself. Neil has an audition coming up that he shouldn't be terrified for but he absolutely is. Oh, and what's New Years Eve without alcohol. 
> 
> CW for underage drinking if you live in the states but like they're 18 so...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing to say except I love Todd and Neil so much I think I might actually start crying about them if I think about them any longer. Also: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! Also: hey campitts nation I see u 👁
> 
> V much recommend listening to Lonesome Town by Ricky Nelson as you read the first section <3
> 
> twitter is @VERUMlS but like the I is rly a lowercase L <3

The weeks leading up to Neil’s audition were absolutely hectic. 

Neil knew the majority of his lines still, as the last time he played Puck had still only been a few weeks prior, so practicing them wasn’t much of a struggle. However, they weren’t in school anymore; they had to find work. A lot of the time during their first few weeks in New York were spent job searching, meaning they didn’t get to spend as much time together as Neil would’ve liked. 

That’s not to say they didn’t get to spend time together at all, however. 

A few days before New Years Eve, Donna and Evelyn had popped by to invite them to a New Years Eve party that one of their friends was throwing. “We really shouldn’t be inviting you, considering your ages and all,” Donna had said. “But I say if you’re old enough to decide you wanna live on your own then you’re old enough for a drink. Just don’t tell anyone it was us that invited you, yeah?” she winked at them both. 

Neil was thankful for the invitation – he was excited to go to a party that didn’t involve adults asking him how his studies were going, or telling him that he looked just like his father (disgusting). Todd was just as thankful, but much less excited.

“All I’m saying is,” Neil had said, in the middle of a discussion about whether or not they should go, “and I mean this in the most loving way possible – if we don’t go, we may turn into house hermits, never going out or having fun or doing anything. Carpe Diem doesn’t end with the grand gesture, Todd.”

They were sitting in their kitchen at their small round table, facing opposite each other. Todd had a cup of coffee that he was using mostly to warm his hands, and Neil had a list he was working on set down in front of him. 

“Can’t we have fun here? We have a record player, each other; what else do we really need?” Todd asked. 

Neil paused to think for a moment, before plastering a grin on his face. “Alcohol.”

Todd laughed at that. “I’m going to need it if you want me to dance.”

“So not true. Here.” He stood up suddenly, kicking his chair back under the table in a swift motion. “Stand up. Come on, dear, don’t be shy this isn’t a masquerade ball,” he laughed. “It’s just me. It’s just us.” Todd grinned whilst playfully rolling his eyes, putting his mug down and taking Neil’s outstretched hand and standing in the process. “Good. Now,” he pulled him close; “this hand on my shoulder –” he took Todd’s arm and brought it to place – “I’ll guide you, alright? This way.”

And so they danced. They slow-danced in rhythm to the staticky record Lonesome Town by Ricky Nelson, taking in each and every lyric and thinking to themselves. 

_ There's a place where lovers go _

_ To cry their troubles away _

_ And they call it 'Lonesome Town' _

_ Where the broken hearts stay _

Neil pictured it once more: Todd and himself creating their own Lonesome Town for and with each other, as lovers maybe one day. Their tiny kitchen in which they danced would be where they’d stay, and the city helped them cry their own troubles away. He began thinking about if Todd did ever break his heart, leaving him there, but Todd’s almost promptly-timed words wrecked this train of thought entirely. 

“Do you still wanna go to the party?” he asked quietly.

“It’s okay,” he responded thoughtfully, “you were right. Here is fun.”

Todd let out a short laugh. “We can still go, though. If you still want.”

Neil stopped in his tracks, meaning they halted in their dance as he’d been leading. Their eyes met, and Neil sighed a great sigh that was so unmistakably lovingly he thought that Todd must be stupid if he believed Neil was anything less than in total and utter love with him. He shifted his arms to wrap around him and pull him close into an almost-hug, stopped only by his forehead coming to rest on Todd’s. “I’d like that. A lot.”

“I know. I’m only going because you’ll be there.”

“So am I,” he giggled softly. “But it’ll be nice to make some friends here that aren’t Charlie’s aunt and her roommate.”

Todd hummed in response, bringing his arms up around Neil’s shoulders and pulling him into the hug that he’d ever-so-clearly been waiting for. Lonesome Town had finished now, and another Nelson song – A Teenager’s Romance – had just begun. Todd leaned sideways slightly, and they began swaying to the song together. They swayed in peace, in their tiny wonderful apartment they got to call theirs, thinking of nothing but each other and how lucky they were. 

“More like Charlie’s aunt and her girlfriend, I think.”

Neil almost choked. “You noticed that too?”

“Evelyn was literally in the middle of pushing their beds apart when we first met her.”

Neil let out another laugh. “And you didn’t think anything of it?”

“No. Other than I’m glad I packed my own bedsheets.”

Again, Neil almost choked. Todd’s humour was something else. 

“If you’re asking what I thought about it,” he continued, “I thought I’m glad they found each other. Because it’d be horrible to have to live in a world where you can’t tell the person you love that you love them.”

Was he serious? Neil felt his heart begin to pound. He pulled slightly away from Todd to look at him. 

“Dreadful, wouldn’t it? I’m happy for them too.” 

Neil thought it was all a bit ridiculous, but of course, his life was ridiculous. Here he was, in New York City, a runaway, with the boy he loved in his arms, who was telling him to his face that he was happy for some other homosexual couple and that it would be awful to not be able to tell someone he loved them. God, what a joke. He was all but screaming on the inside. 

That was just one of the times Todd had unknowingly driven Neil crazy during the weeks leading up to the audition. The second time was at the New Years party, which ironically saw neither Todd nor Neil dancing, as neither wanted to dance with anyone else but each other. And to dance with each other in such a public setting would make people think they were a couple, and while Neil was sure that’s what he wanted, he wasn’t sure that it was what Todd wanted. 

At some point in the night, a man approached the two of them as they’d been sitting and chatting, sharing a bottle of wine between them. “Hi,” he said. “I’m Dale – Evelyn tells me one of you might be into acting?”

Neil blinked, processing what had just been said, letting his brain catch up for a second. “Yeah, I am. I’m Neil,” he responded, taking the man’s outstretched hand for a handshake, “this is Todd,” he motioned. 

The man – Dale – quickly shook Todd’s hand before turning back to Neil. “Excellent. I’m a playwright working for Juilliard and wanted to know if you’d heard about the auditions we’re holding in a couple weeks time?”

“Oh,” he started, “yeah that’s why we’re here actually. In New York, I mean.”

“What, you moved here? Both of you?” Neil nodded in response. “Where from?”

“Vermont.”

“Bus?”

“Eight hours total.”

“Christ.” He looked pensive for a moment. “You acted before?”

“Once. Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream.”

“Quite a role. I’m impressed. And I’m guessing you,” he turned to Todd, “wouldn't be here either if you didn’t think he was good.”

Todd nodded up at him. 

“Vermont… that’s crazy. How old are you both?”

Neil froze; should they really be telling a guy they didn’t know their real ages when they were sat drinking? 

“It’s fine, you can say it. The audition’s only for people sixteen to eighteen anyway. So that narrows it down.”

He sighed. “I turn eighteen on the second.”

“Of January? Woah, nice way to start the decade, huh?”

Neil laughed at that, feeling comfortable again. 

“I’ll put in a good word. Neil..?”

“Perry.”

“Perry. Got it. And you?” he turned back to Todd. “I can tell you’re not an actor. You must be the boyfriend then, unless you’re here for something else?” he questioned. 

Todd, being Todd, was sent into a frenzy of stutters and false starts, not quite knowing what he wanted to respond himself. 

“No, we’re not- Well- I mean-” he looked towards Neil. A cry for help. 

“Todd’s a writer.”

“Want to be.”

“No, you write things, you’re a writer.”

Dale smiled down at them. “What do you write?”

“Poems, mostly,” he spoke softly.

“An eighteen year old writing poetry in today’s social climate? I like it. I’m guessing you’ll be sending things off to Tisch?” 

“Yeah.”

“I’m organising that talent search, actually. Again, I’m guessing you must be good if Evelyn’s sent me lookin’ for you.”

“She did?”

“She did. Said something about her nephew being adamant.”

They both grinned at each other. Of course. 

“He’s an amazing writer,” Neil began. “You’d be foolish not to let him in.” The wine was providing him with a bit of unwarranted bravery. Dale seemed amused by it, at least. 

“Look. I can tell there’s something special going on here. Kids don’t just leave Vermont and end up in the middle of New York for nothing. And, I don’t know how lucky you’ve been but adults don’t tend to give kids their old apartments for nothing, either. Neil, if you’re as good as I’m hearing then you won’t need me to put in a good word. Do this for yourself; believe in your talent alone. Todd, was it? You’re shy. That’s fine. But this is New York, not to mention the New York writing scene. Things move fast. Grab opportunities whenever you can. What’s your last name?”

“Anderson.”

He chuckled. “Like Robert. I’ll remember that. A poet's name for a poet. But yeah, when I see the name Todd Anderson as I’m shifting through the thousands of applicants, I’ll make sure to take extra time on it.” He winked, and began to walk away before completely stopping in his tracks. “You ever thought about writing a playscript? I’m sure it’d benefit your boyfriend here a ton getting to read original works, too. Just a thought. If you ever think about writing one, here’s my contact info; I don’t mind giving you advice or tips whether you get into Tisch or not.” He handed Todd a slip of card with DALE JENNINGS written in a classic font in the middle, with a phone number underneath. He then decided he’d said all he needed to say, looking rather pleased with himself, before walking off. 

Neil looked to Todd, who was just sitting staring at the card. 

“Playwright, huh?” he asked, snapping Todd out of his thoughts. 

“Maybe.”

“What, really? You’re considering it?”

“Yeah. I guess it sounds fun. It’d be nice to do something different. Try something new.”

Neil couldn’t do anything but beam at him. The wine was making him feel giddy and the prospect of Todd writing a play that he might be able to read or even act in was making him giddier. The realisation that Todd hadn’t explicitly told Dale that they weren’t boyfriends was making him giddiest. 

“You’re so amazing,” was all he could say. “I mean it. I mean, I look at you and it’s just like:” he closed and opened his eyes and mimicked a matter-of-fact action. “You know?”

“Not really,” Todd laughed. Neil repeated the action. “I don’t know what that means.”

“It makes sense,” he said, pointing at him. “It makes all the sense in the world.”

“Neil, it only makes sense to you. Explain it to me.” But Todd did not look curious about what Neil meant in the slightest, he just looked amused. 

“Okay. It’s like. God, I don’t know, Todd. You’re the one that’s supposed to be good with words. It’s just like, I look at you and I’m just in awe. Always. Ha. Awe-lways.” He laughed to himself. Then, he looked up suddenly and turned back to Todd, face stoic and serious. “That guy, Dale, didn’t seem to mind that we might’ve been…” he trailed off. Once again, he’d walked himself into a conversation that was awfully close to the point of no return. 

“Been..?” Jesus, Todd. There’s no way that wonderful brilliant brain of his didn’t get it. 

“Yeah. Been. Might’ve. Almost. Kinda.”

“Oh. No, he didn’t seem to mind at all.”

“Do you see what I mean?” He brought his face closer to Todd’s – intentionally or unintentionally, he didn’t know.

“No,” Todd didn’t move back. “You’ve lost me again.”

Neil sighed. “Maybe…” he thought to himself for a moment. Todd was patient with him, though. He was always patient with him. He loved that about him. “Maybe no one else here would mind.”

Todd hummed, his lips shifting into the same rare fiery smirk Neil had seen the night of their going-away party. “Well, if everyone here is friends with or at least knows Evelyn and Donna, then maybe you’re right.”

Neil could feel himself blushing. Usually he’d be embarrassed. Not this time. He made a note to himself to never be embarrassed of being head-over-heels for Todd ever again. He took the now-nearly-empty bottle out of Todd’s hand and placed it on the table to the side of them, before taking the same hand and bringing it underneath their own table, just holding it. 

“I’m always right.”

Todd’s smirk turned into something softer at that. “Do you think you’ll remember this tomorrow?” he asked. 

“Jesus Todd,” he laughed loudly. “I’ve only had half a bottle, you’ve watched me. I’m fine. I’m acting totally normally.”

“Oh, that’s why we’re holding hands under the table, right?” 

Neil swore he felt his soul attempt to leave his body. 

It felt like they were constantly playing this game. Todd would say too much or ask something that would require Neil to acknowledge what was going on, never giving enough information about his own feelings for Neil to make an informed and intelligent decision about how to respond. It drove him crazy. He was tipsy; he was through with trying to think things through. He’d just be honest and let future Neil deal with whatever Todd says. 

“I’d do that sober,” he said, plainly. 

Neil only half believed in God, but that fifty percent turned into a near hundred when the ten second countdown to the new year began being chanted around them before Todd had a chance to respond. They both joined in with the chanting promptly, standing up from their seats in doing so. 

10

They were still holding hands, Neil realised.

9

He caught sight of Evelyn and Donna at the front of the crowd. They were holding hands too.

8

Dale was standing in a far corner, with a dark-skinned man. They had matching ties.

7

A week ago he’d been trapped.

6

Two weeks ago he’d been prepared to die.

5

He was smiling. He really meant it; he wasn’t acting when he smiled anymore.

4

He had an audition at one of the best acting schools in the world.

3

Todd Anderson was still holding his hand.

2

There was a twinkle in Todd’s eyes. He was staring back at him suddenly.

1

Todd Anderson had pulled him into a fierce hug, gripping him tight. 

“Happy New Year, Neil,” he said, speaking softly and just loud enough for Neil to hear.

Neil smiled, bursting at the seams with fondness and warmth spreading through his entire core. Flowers bloomed throughout his chest all over again. 

“Happy New Year, Todd.”

And they swayed together, again, as they had done that night in their tiny apartment. Only this time there were people all around them, none of whom seemed to take notice, and for once Neil felt like maybe he wasn’t so different from anyone else after all. Maybe he hadn’t been the weird one back in Vermont; he just hadn’t found the people he was meant to be surrounded by. Except Todd. Todd was the one person Neil was sure about. 

And that was how 1960 began. A year Neil never even thought he’d live to see. With a boy who drove him crazy in his arms and a head as clear as the night. 

The third time it happened was the night of Neil’s birthday. The day had gone just fine, normal and nice. Todd had woken up before him, as usual, and made Neil a cup of hot tea before waking him with a soft “happy birthday, Neil.” And Neil, well, that alone made him officially proclaim the day his best birthday to date. 

Todd went out at some point, saying he needed to buy more groceries, and that Neil should stay in bed for a while longer. Neil didn’t mind. He did get bored eventually, however, just sitting around waiting for Todd to come back, so he decided to grab the list he’d been writing a few days ago and take it into the city. 

It had been a list of all the places he’d seen that were currently hiring that he wouldn’t mind working in. There were a few coffee shops, the bookstore he’d bought Todd’s christmas present from, a record store, and a couple of restaurants. 

The one with the most promising salary also happened to be the one that Neil wanted to work at the most: a coffee shop he and Todd had found the day before, when they went to get brunch together because they’d both woken up late due to their night prior. 

It was small in size, with a striking window pattern on the outside that made it look like it had been smashed and pieced back together with metal. The inside was as bright as the outside of their apartment: decorated with a pinstripe black and white wall and bright red stools, with glossy white tables. The music they played in there was a constant stream of high-energy rock and roll, something Neil definitely wasn’t used to, but was sure he now loved. 

An interview with the owner and a brief explanation of his situation (emphasised slightly. Slightly, meaning he told him he’d been kicked out for wanting to be an actor) was all it took. Neil was good at talking, good at acting, and this interview required only those two things. He was to begin his new part-time job the very next day. 

He no longer needed the list, but he kept it just in case Todd might want to look at it too.

On his way back, he stopped at the library closest to their apartment for some quiet whilst reading over his lines, thinking of new ways he could enhance his performance, before heading back later on in the afternoon. 

As soon as he opened the door, he could smell that Todd was already cooking for them. Neil smiled to himself.

Their door was loud enough when it opened and closed for Todd to definitely be aware that he was home, but Neil always made a point to half-yell “I’m home dear!” which started out as a joke, but he wasn’t sure that it was anymore. 

He heard Todd giggle from the kitchen. 

“Hey,” he said, hearing his footsteps enter the kitchen.

“Hey. Got a job.”

“You did? That’s great!”

“Yeah. I blagged it, sorta, though.”

“A new peak in your career,” Todd said, jokingly. 

“Oh, absolutely. Forget Jiulliard, if I ever win a Tony award it’ll be because of that alone.”

Todd laughed at that, loud and uncaring. “When you win a Tony award it’ll be because of some great play no one’s even heard of yet.”

“When? You’re so sure?” He was still joking, maybe half joking. 

“Well – yeah.”

“Todd-”

“Neil. Actually, can you grab plates? Dinner’s ready.”

Neil didn’t say it, but he was certain Todd must have gone out earlier in order to buy ingredients for this specific meal. Most of the stuff – garlic, herbs, coriander – he knew had not been present in their cupboards or fridge that morning. 

“This is the nicest meal I know how to cook,” he said to him as they were eating. “Jeff taught me how to make it, actually. Mom taught him.”

“It’s delicious. Are you sure you want to be a writer, not a chef?”

He laughed. “I’m sure, I’m sure. Are you sure you want to be an actor, not a model.”

Neil nearly choked on his pasta. “Damnit Todd, you can’t just say things like that.”

“You literally say stuff like that to me all the time.”

Did he? Whatever. “That’s different.”

“How is it different? I know you’re a bit more extroverted than I am but it’s not like you say that stuff to anyone else; not even back in Vermont when you actually had other people you could say it to.”

Todd Anderson and his ever-present shrewdness would be Neil’s Achilles Heel. 

“I’m just being honest when I say that stuff to you. You’re-”

“What am I doing?” It was a dare, but it seemed much more like a threat. 

“I don’t know. That’s the truth. I actually do not have a clue what’s going on in your head sometimes.”

Todd snapped his head up from his plate at that. “You don’t?” His brows were furrowed in confusion. 

“No. You just say things like that and I’m like ‘woah does he really think that?’ or ‘where did that come from?’ It’s funny, really.”

“Well, I meant it. You could be a model. There’s nothing stopping you. Or a movie star. They have to be attractive too, I think. Mass appeal and all.”

Neil could only stare at him. He shook his head, the corners of his mouth tilting upwards slightly. “You’re insane.”

“That’s you.”

“We’re insane.”

“Completely.”

When they finished Neil’s extra special birthday meal, Todd handed Neil his birthday present, which was in the form of a series of notes describing some kind of story. 

“Todd, I love everything you write. What is this?” He said. 

“Your play.”

It took a few moments for Neil to realise what Todd meant by that tiny statement. 

“You didn’t. You’re not- Seriously?”

“If it’s good enough by the time I finish it then yeah, maybe.” 

“Todd, it’s going to be wonderful, I just know it.” 

“You’re going to be wonderful.” 

Neil thought, not for the first time that week, and definitely not for the last, that Todd was driving him crazy. He felt his heart flipping and jumping in his chest again, and begging it internally to stop. Then, he vaguely remembered the other night, during which he’d made a tipsy promise to himself to stop being embarrassed by his feelings for Todd, so he simply smiled and let his feelings consume him. 

“Thank you,” was all he said. 

The next time Todd drove Neil crazy was the day of his audition, which just so happened to be the day after Todd had sent his work off to Tisch, NYU. 

The first time he’d performed properly like this was only a month ago, and back then he’d had no room for nerves due to the sheer excitement and happiness he felt at being able to do something he’d always wanted to, with his closest friends and favourite teacher in the audience to watch him. He knew that if his father caught him there’d be trouble, but the trouble would be for him to bear alone, so any nerves that should have stemmed from that dissipated, as he wasn’t sure he cared too much about what would happen to him.

This time, however, he felt himself adding pressure to his own shoulders. If he didn’t get through this audition, their living costs would most definitely not get covered. They’d lose the apartment for sure. He couldn’t help but feel slightly responsible for Todd’s livelihood, seeing as he was the one who brought him to New York with him, although he knew somewhere deep down that Todd had wanted to get out of Vermont just as much as he had. 

He knew his stress was worrying Todd. He could feel it seeping out of him, unable to stop it. He was a good actor, but he’d gotten so used to not having to act around Todd that he’d forgotten how to stop. He wished he could turn off his stress so Todd could stop staring at him pace back and forth with a concerned expression so sincere you’d think it belonged to a much older person. 

“Neil.” He seemed tentative when he spoke. He hadn’t heard Todd sound tentative when talking to him for months. Fuck.

“Neil. If we don’t leave now, you’ll be late.”

“Oh right. Okay. Sorry. Let’s go. Have you got everything?”

“All I need is my coat, my wallet, and you. Have you got everything?”

“Script. Notes. Coat. You have my wallet in your pocket I think. And you. Yep, let’s go.”

It should’ve been a peaceful and straightforward walk to the theatre. It was not. Neil and his anxiety decided to take comfort in speed walking, forcing Todd to speed walk too, leaving them both standing at the doors five minutes early. Five minutes during which Neil believed he would be spending letting himself spiral into the greatest pits of worry and self destruction the world had ever known.

Before he knew what was happening, Todd had grabbed his arm and began dragging him around the back of the theatre, into a notch in the wall. “Neil, what is going on? I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Just nerves.” It wasn’t a lie, not really.

“Nerves about what? You’ve done this before and you were fine.”

Neil had no response to offer him. 

Todd just sighed. “I’m just trying to understand this. Okay, if this audition doesn’t go well, what’s going to happen?”

Neil paused before answering, mostly out of hesitation. “We can’t afford the apartment.”

“You go full-time. I get a job. Next.”

“I can’t get a job. You get mad because I dragged you all the way here and can’t even pull through with one of the basic aspects of the plan.”

Todd was silent for a few moments. His features softened suddenly. “I’m always worried about that.”

“You are,” he asked, the surprise ringing too evidently in his voice. 

“Yeah.”

“Why? I don’t mind what you do now we’re here. I’ll support you.”

“Good, so you get it. As long as you’re here, I don’t mind what happens. And you shouldn’t either.”

It was odd. He already knew in his heart that Todd felt like this; he was too lovely and selfless to be demanding of almost anything. But hearing him say it out loud solidified it, and made Neil’s racing thoughts slow down to at least a jog. Todd laughed, seemingly noticing Neil’s sudden shift in mindset. 

“Better?” he asked. 

He took a deep breath. “I think so.”

It was then that he suddenly became excruciatingly aware of how tiny the notch in the wall was, and how close they were standing. He didn’t remember doing it, but at some point he must have taken his arm out of Todd’s grip and moved it up to his hand. Or Todd had moved his hand down to his. He didn’t remember. But they were definitely holding hands. He was hyper-aware of the fact. 

“Do you want the truth?” Todd asked, only slightly tugging him out of his slight intimacy-induced panic. 

He nodded.

“The only thing stopping me from kissing you right now is the fact that you are the most important person in the world to me; and if I lose you, I lose everything.”

That was it – the point of no return. Beyond too close and beyond ambiguity, Todd had purposefully risked everything they had to tell him. The thoughts and concerns he’d had throughout the couple of weeks prior began to shrink and settle, pounded by the strength in numbers of his shock and adoration and love alone. 

“Ridiculous,” he started, surprised to hear his usual casual tone of voice back. “You really wouldn’t be losing much. Luckily for us both, however, neither of us have to lose anything. Do it. Kiss me. I wouldn’t stop you.”

And so he did. They had already been standing close, so it wasn’t far to move. When their lips touched, Neil’s head went clear. Nothing was happening in the world to him except the feeling of Todd Anderson kissing him, and him kissing Todd back. At some point he must’ve shifted his other arm up so his hand could rest on Todd’s cheek. 

It certainly wouldn’t be him, so Todd broke the kiss. “That’s five minutes,” he smiled like he had something to hide again; but Neil knew it was their new little secret. This time, Neil didn’t have anything to hide. “We should go.”

Todd made a move to lead them out, but Neil stopped him. “Todd?”

“Hmm?”

“You drive me crazy.”

  
  



	4. On Love's Light Wings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Spring! Todd and Neil reconnect with some familiar faces, and think about everything they miss from home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know if this chapter makes any sense to be honest but I really love Todd and Neil so that's me signing off goodnight. I promise something will actually happen next chapter😭 enjoy !

The audition went well. Obviously it went well. The person most surprised when Neil got the call saying he’d been accepted was Neil himself. Todd had kissed him and proposed they go out for dinner that same night, and during the meal received a call from Dale who he’d been keeping in touch with, giving him a not-so-subtle hint that he’d liked Todd’s collection and submitted an acceptance. All-in-all, it was a great day for them both. 

It was Spring. Winter had gone fast and in a flurry of warmth and kisses and impromptu dance sessions around their kitchen, often beginning with Todd cooking and Neil doing his very best to distract him. But now was Spring, and, fittingly so, their love was blooming.

Something Neil had found he loved about Todd’s love was how it felt like he was being let in on a secret, but the kind of secret that left you wanting to know more. Sometimes Todd would say things that caught him off guard, or do things that surprised him. It was nice – like every day they were together Todd was opening himself up a bit more, not to say that he wasn’t open before. Perhaps a better way to put it would be that Todd was becoming more comfortable in himself, and it showed when he was around Neil because Neil was the one person in his life that encouraged him to be himself and nothing more. 

The opposite was true for Neil too, in a way. He’d always considered himself to be fairly unapologetic about who he was, especially around his friends, and most especially around Todd; but that wasn’t to say that the first few months he spent alone with Todd weren’t spent completely changing his opinions about himself, particularly about who he really was in comparison to who he’d pretended to be. A good example of this would be the fact he had come to realise that he wasn’t actually as obscenely weird and different from everyone as he’d originally thought. In fact, he and Todd had come to the joint conclusion that perhaps they hadn’t been weird in the first place – rich people in Vermont were just “total freams.”

“You know,” Todd had said one day, when they’d been lying on their now pushed together beds, both staring up at the ceiling, Neil’s hand clasped gently over Todd’s. “I’ve been thinking about why we came here in the first place, like how we didn’t think Welton was for people like us, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Because we were different. We were the weird ones.”

Neil laughed softly. “Exactly. ‘Dared to strike out and find new ground,’ and all.”

“Keating,” he laughed. “But what if we weren’t? I mean, yeah we did just that, but everyone around us here – the real world with real people, not just the ones pretending to like each other all the time – they’re like us, I think.”

“Hmm. I think so, too, though I never really thought about it like that before.”

“It’s nice.”

“Yeah. It is.” He turned his head to look at Todd, and was met with a pair of eyes already looking back at him. They both smiled. “You know, before all this – before we ran away – I really felt like I was trapped. I said it to Keating before the play actually. He was like ‘nooo you’re not trapped,’ but it felt like I was.”

Todd shifted his full body to face Neil, taking Neil’s hand tighter. “You were trapped, in a way. In that situation you were. But you got out. We got out.”

“It still doesn’t feel real sometimes. Like a dream, doesn’t it?” he smirked.

“Not that song again?” he laughed. “You’re getting obsessed with it.”

“It’s bitchin’”

“Stop! You’re obsessed with saying that, too.” He was really laughing now. 

“We should sing it together. You be Ella, I’ll be Louis.”

“Why am I Ella?”

“Because you can’t hit Louis’ low notes,” he laughed. 

“Fuck off, Neil.” 

Neil swooped Todd into his arms, still lying down, bringing the other boy’s head to his chest. 

“It’d be bitchin’ if you sang it with me.”

“Not happening. And stop saying that; I don’t even think you’re using it right.”

“You said that about dancing. Yet here we are, tired because you made us dance.”

“Dancing wasn’t happening in a room full of people. Dancing with you…” he pulled back from Neil to look at him. “Is bitchin’.”

The people of New York and their slang and their music were some other things Neil had fallen in love with during their first few months there. Naturally, both of them had picked up a few words; nothing quite as strong as Donna’s absolutely diverged accent, however. 

It was March when the phone rang. March being just a few months before they were set to start their first term at college, and just a few months after they’d told a few certain friends they’d call as soon as they got settled. 

Neil answered, and found himself smiling almost involuntarily upon hearing Charlie’s voice on the other end. 

“Neil? Neil? Neil, are you there or not?”

“Hey Charlie.”

“Don’t ‘hey Charlie’ me, alright. First of all, Nuwanda, remember? Second of all, why do I, your best friend, have to hear from Donna that you’re working at Beanut’s?”

“Huh? I’m sure I told you I got a job?”

“Yeah,” he scoffed. “You didn’t tell me it was at Beanut’s! God, Neil, that’s like the hottest secret cafe at the moment.”

“Hot but secret?”

“Yeah! Like – it’s popular but not popular that everyone’s doing it. Like people go there to impress people that they know cool places.”

“Oh. I guess it is cool. The coffee is miraculous; in like our first week here Todd and I went there and-”

“Oh! Todd! How’s Todd, too? I know he got in for his writing thing. What’s he up to?”

“Well…” He looked down the hallway and through the door frame, where Todd himself was sitting at the desk, looking cutely frustrated. “He writes a lot, these days. As usual. It’s nice, he even has someone to check over his stuff to give him advice, a bit like Keating. It’s nice since, like, he doesn’t always think it’s good.”

“He’s always good.”

“Right! He’s amazing.”

“No literally like – no, you forced me off topic here. Do you know who’s been to Beanut’s, Neil? Do you have any idea whatsoe-”

“No, I do not,” he laughed. “Enlighten me.”

“Mattachine!” Charlie had yelled so loud, he had to pull the phone away from his ear slightly. 

“...Who?”

“Those activists. They would’ve been at Evelyn’s bash.”

“Activists… I don’t remember meeting any activists.” He tried to think for a moment, ultimately coming up with nothing. 

“You must’ve met at least one. Maybe they didn’t introduce themselves as activists because it’s not really an occupation. But they were activists – good ones. Against segregation and fighting for unity and gay rights and everything. I can’t believe you didn’t meet a single one; there’s no way.”

“I really can’t think of anyone. A lot of them seemed like they might be in same-sex couples though, now that you mention it.”

“...”

“What?”

“Can you feel it?”

“What?”

“Me rolling my eyes all the way from Vermont.”

He laughed. “Shut up, Nuwanda.”

Charlie’s voice suddenly softened. “I miss you, Neil.”

“I miss you too. A lot.”

“It’s so weird you not being here. I know I told you to go but…”

“I know. I know what you mean. I know I wanted to go – I’m glad I did – but it’s still weird without you.”

Then, he had a sudden thought. 

“How’s Knox?”

“Cries a lot.”

“Really?”

“No, he’s fine really. He’s still with Chris.”

“Oh. Good for him.”

“Yeah.”

“He’ll come around.”

He heard him sigh. “You know?”

“Todd, too.”

Charlie let out a short, breathy laugh. “Naturally.”

“He will come around. I think everything will work out.”

“Thanks. Same for you and Todd.”

He froze for a moment. Surely he hadn’t forgotten to tell anyone what had happened between him and Todd. Well, he supposed in the flurry of everything… and Todd being so Todd everyday… and the fact he wasn’t exactly aware other people might have known about his feelings for Todd beforehand…

He chuckled nervously. 

“About that…”

“Oh no. You sound nervous.”

“Todd and I…” he heard footsteps enter the room. 

“Who is it?” Todd asked, coming to stand beside him, casually resting his chin on Neil’s shoulder as he so often would.

“Charlie.”

“Oh. Have you told him about-”

“I’m about to.”

“What’s going on? Todd and you what?” they both heard loudly through the phone speaker. Todd took the phone from Neil then, lifting the cord over Neil’s head. 

“Um… you were right. I just told him I wanted to kiss him and he was like okay.” 

Pause.

“The day of his audition, I think.”

Pause. Longer this time. 

“Well maybe if you took your own advice-”

This was another one of those times Todd had surprised Neil. He suddenly thought back to the first time Todd and Charlie had met – Todd’s first day at Welton. Todd had hardly even been able to make eye contact with him, and here he was telling him over the phone to take his own gay advice. Beautifully astonishing, if Neil did think so himself. 

He later went on to tell Todd so, though purposefully using much less eloquent wording. 

“I’m real gone for you, you know that?” he’d said, half in an attempt to annoy him whilst he was cooking that evening.

“Neil.” He put his spoon down, turning to face him. “You know I love you but literally where are you getting all of this jargon from?”

Love. 

Yeah, they loved each other. 

Todd loved him. No big deal. 

“You love me?”

Todd looked surprised at that. “Should I not?”

“Wha- No, it’s not that. I don’t know, I just didn’t know.”

“...You didn’t?”

It was then Neil’s turn to look surprised. “Should I have?”

“Uh… yes?”

“Huh?”

“Well,” he picked his spoon back up, returning his attention back to the food. “When have I ever acted anything less than in love with you? It was so obvious. It’s embarrassing.”

“Uh, I didn’t know until you kissed me.”

Silence.

“You’re kidding.” It was much more of a statement than a question.

“No?” Spoken like a question, but definitely not intended to act as one. 

“Neil, even Cameron knew. I didn’t speak to anyone except you for like a month.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. Did you seriously not notice that?”

“Did you seriously not notice me having a crush on you since literally day one?”

“What.”

“Ah,” he smirked. “My turn. I seem to recall finding myself staring at these –” he turned Todd’s chin with a hand and pecked his lips – “during multiple of our conversations.”

Todd laughed at that. “We’re so gross. We’re one of those couples.”

“True.” He furrowed his brows in faux thought. “At least we’re not in high school anymore so we don’t have to be gross in front of everyone.”

“Like we’d be able to anyway.”

“Oh yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“How’s the play coming along?”

“Good. Dale says it’s good, too.”

“I agree.”

“You haven’t seen it.”

“Don’t need to.”

“Plates?”

Whilst Neil’s back was turned, crouching to get their plates from a cupboard under the countertop, Todd spoke again. “I’m real gone for you, too.”

He smiled to himself. 

And so Spring seemed to be just as divine as the winter, only this time they were two boys who were much more sure of themselves, and no more or less sure of each other than they had been before. 

And as they were much more sure of themselves, Neil found that it was no longer such a great ordeal when they were invited to Donna’s birthday bash. 

“We’re going, right?” he’d asked, after Donna had left. 

“Sure.”

Donna liked to check up on them a lot. Or, he wasn’t sure if she necessarily liked checking in or if Charlie demanded she check in and report back. (He wouldn’t put it past him.) Either way, he had to admit that it was nice to still have an adult around looking out for him. He knew he and Todd would probably be okay on their own, but the fact was that they really were still just teenagers. Donna, nor Evelyn, never treated him like they were responsible for him; they made it clear they were looking after themselves; but Neil knew they’d be there if they needed anything. He supposed he’d gotten lucky in that sense. He knew there must have been thousands of kids his age that had moved to the big city and been totally alone. 

So when they were invited to their house to celebrate her thirty-seventh birthday, not only were they both happy to attend, but they found themselves actively looking forward to it. 

They’d assumed it’d be similar to New Years, the two of them sitting in a corner pretending the rest of the world didn’t exist. Only this time they would have to pay taxi fares. (Evelyn didn’t drink; she’d kindly dropped them off last time). This presumption was wrong, however. It was so far from the events that really ended up taking place that when it finally came to pass, Neil thought he might’ve been dreaming the whole thing. 

They’d set off at around five in the evening, evening being used as a loose descriptor for that calming time period when the sun is just beginning to set, casting a natural glow on the metropolitan streets. They’d walked; Evelyn and Donna’s new place wasn’t that far from their old place – Neil and Todd’s new place. They’d only moved in the first place it seemed as they’d come into some money after Donna’s medical degree was finally recognised by a hospital as equal to a medical degree owned by a man. And so they’d decided a bigger apartment was much more reflective of the achievement.

They couldn’t hold hands in public – they just couldn’t – but Todd had taken a liking to suddenly jumping onto Neil’s back whenever a street wasn’t too crowded, which wasn’t inherently as intimate as hand-holding, but made them both laugh, and if Todd wanted to be carried, Neil wasn’t going to deny him. 

When they arrived, Todd, arm still clutched around Neil’s chest, knocked on the door. Donna didn’t look surprised in the slightest when she opened it. She simply gave them a knowing smile and greeted them in, pausing for a moment only to ensure Todd didn’t hurt himself jumping down. 

When they entered the living room, they were met by a sort of freeze frame – a group of familiar, ruddy faces, all paused in what they were doing, spurred by their entrance. 

One Charlie, lounging lazily over one excited-looking Knox, sitting next to an equally excited-looking Meeks, whose hands were full of Pitt’s shoulders, who was sitting on the floor with Cameron, both smiling up at them. Fuck, he’d missed them. 

They shifted into a loose circle formation on the floor, Todd opposite him and his friends all around, just like they had stood in his garden the night they decided to run. 

“So, you start school in August?” Meeks asked, craftingly steering the conversation away from Carmeron’s current stream of thought, about his maths homework. 

“Yeah, both of us,” Neil answered.

“That’s crazy,” Knox chimed. “It’ll be nice to start in Summer, too. There’ll be loads of stuff to do when you meet your new friends and stuff.”

“I don’t know,” Todd started. “Autumn seems to be all the rage lately in New York.”

“All the rage?” Charlie asked, surprise hardly hidden from his voice.

“Who are you?” Cameron laughed.

“I’m not as bad as Neil.”

“Oh, God, that’s true,” Pitts spoke. “What was it you said before?”

“Bitchin?” Meeks offered.

“That’s the one! I was like:” his face contorted into a picture frame of confusion. 

“It’s not my fault!” he said, laughing. “I hear it all the time at work. Everyone down in Vermont is way too fussed about speaking properly anyway.”

“That much is true,” Charlie agreed. “I mean have you heard Donna? She left years ago but still.”

“You mean Donna isn’t from here?” Cameron asked. 

A few of them rolled their eyes, all of them laughed. 

“No. She moved up here to pursue a music career. That’s why we get on so well even though she’s getting old.” He turned his head and raised his voice on the last part of his sentence, ensuring the woman in question would hear. 

“Shut up Charles!” they heard from the other room. 

Then: “Charlie’s in there?”

Another familiar face entered the room, scurrying out of the kitchen like he’d heard Christmas had come nine months early. 

“Monty?!”

“Charlie?! My favourite cousin!”

“Your only good cousin!” Charlie got up from his seat on the floor to all but tackle Monty into a hug. “Come sit with us!”

Monty told the group how he’d been invited by Donna because she knew he hadn’t been able to get out of Vermont in forever, and a family gathering would be the perfect excuse. 

“I might stay here,” he said. “I don’t know what I’d do, though. I don’t have a passion or a goal like you two,” he motioned towards and between Todd and Neil. 

“Well, what are you doing now?” Cameron asked. 

“Law.”

“Nice,” Cameron said, at the same time as both Neil and Charlie said “gross,” in perfect synchronicity. 

Monty just laughed. “It’ll be tough. Jobs already don’t come easy for people like me. If I don’t get a degree I doubt I’ll even be able to get a place.”

There were a few hums of understanding. 

“I’ll think of something,” Charlie said. 

Monty smiled ruefully. “You’re seventeen years old; plan something for yourself instead worrying about everyone else for once.”

“You’re nineteen. The world’s making you grow up too fast,” he stated. 

Neil thought about it for a moment. It was true, from all perspectives. At nineteen, still a teenager, Monty would have to find something to study, somewhere to live, and figure out his whole life all on his own. And if he chose to stay in Vermont, there was no guarantee anyone around those parts would be non-racist enough to hire him in the first place. He and Todd were fine; they had each other and even though it was tough, it wasn’t like they had too many questions and barriers. They’d been forced to grow up quickly, sure, but it wasn’t quick at all in comparison to what Monty would be facing. 

“I have an idea,” Evelyn said, entering the room. “D tells me you sing?”

Monty rolled his eyes lightheartedly, smiling as he did so and turning. “I don’t.”

“But he can,” Charlie chimed, a smirk taking form on his face.

“Whatever. So?”

“The rock and roll business is all the rage down here, you know? You could be good. Be the next Chuck Berry.”

“Oh, I love Chuck Berry!” Neil enthused. “We always play his songs at work. Everyone loves it!”

“Yeah he’s really cool,” Todd confirmed. 

“Sorted then,” Charlie said. “You be the next Chuck Berry. I play in your band when you perform. We get rich. Everyone loves us. The end.”

They all chuckled at Charlie’s mitigation of the effort and and luck it would take for anything like that to happen, but at the same time, they all knew that he was being deadly serious. 

“You know what,” Monty said. “You’re right. I am nineteen. I’ll be a singer. But not alone. Charlie, be in a band with me.”

Charlie scoffed, obviously not quite used to people making outlandish suggestions with serious intent at him. 

“Nuwanda, he’s serious,” Todd said.

“Oh, come on. I think you’ve got me confused with the runaways. I actually have people to answer to.”

“Just say you’re with family. Wait until July, then when you’re eighteen you get an apartment with Monty,” Todd offered. “Rent’s easier to pay when you’re with someone else.”

“I’m getting deja vu – to when we were sitting in Neil’s room and I was trying to convince you both.”

“Oh,” Neil started. “I suppose it was quite like this, wasn’t it?”

“And see how that turned out?” Todd said. “You should do it.”

“I’ll think about it,” he said. “I have a few months yet to decide. I’ll let you know?” he turned to Monty. 

“Sure.”

“Oh,” Knox started. “I’ve been reading up on just general stuff going on here. Have you been to any of the protests?”

“Protests?” he asked.

“Yeah. Protests, secret meetings, everything. Things are changing, you know. I can feel it.”

“I’m glad you’re so optimistic,” Monty piped in. 

“I am! There are even magazines. Look:” he took a curled up copy of a black-and-white cover magazine from his pocket. “The Mattachine Review.”

“Mattachine?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah, see.” He passed it over. 

“Neil, remember I was telling you about these guys!”

“Yeah a couple weeks ago, I think.”

“Oh,” Evelyn said. “Dale’s a part of that, I think.”

“Dale Jennings?” Charlie asked. 

“Yeah…” she confirmed, confused at most. 

“Dale Jennings?” Todd asked. “That’s the guy who’s helping me write.” 

“You’re getting writing tips from social activist and writer Dale Jennings and you just refrained from telling anyone?” he asked incredulously. “Jesus, Todd!”

“I just thought he was a teacher or something,” Neil tried. 

“Me too.”

“Well, he isn’t. How do Knoxious and I know more about the city that you two live in than you?”

Knox laughed to himself. “Calm it, Charlie, they’ve been here three months, if that. It’s not their faults you’re obsessed with the modern revolution.”

“Shut it – so are you.”

“Chris thinks it’s nice I’m so open-minded.”

“You’re still with Chris?” Neil asked. 

“Yeah! And you all said it wouldn’t last.”

Neil laughed nervously. He still didn’t think it would last. Knox was amazing but he didn’t see how a relationship that started under their circumstances could possibly last. Knox all but stalked her until she agreed to go out with him. 

“Well, next time there’s a protest or anything of the sort, we’ll check it out, okay?” is all he said. 

“I’ll come too,” Monty said. 

“It’ll be nice for you, I think,” Charlie responded. 

And it would be nice, Neil thought. It would be nice for them all, really. 

Being in New York had opened his eyes to a few things, a main one of these things being how sheltered from the rest of the world they’d been just cooped up in a tiny privileged area in Vermont. Here, he’d met just about every type of person he could possibly meet, and got to decide whether he liked them or not. Back at school, he had to be nice to everyone; he never could quite remember who was the son of someone important, so it was important not to get on anyone’s bad side, especially since his family already weren’t some of the wealthiest. 

He’d met these boys in Vermont. And he was beyond grateful for that. 

He’d met Todd in Vermont, almost hadn’t, actually. If Todd hadn’t transferred, he’d probably be dead. Or worse, stuck in Hellton. 

At some point in the night, he and Todd had found each other again, sitting just too close to be considered friendly, though no one around them seemed to question it. 

There was a buzz he was feeling again, like at the New Years party, though this time he wasn’t as on guard as he had been that night. He leaned sideways, bringing his head to rest on Todd’s shoulder, closing his eyes as he did so. He felt an arm come to rest over his own shoulders. He felt warm. He felt nice. He felt safe. 

It almost felt like they’d been banished into the living room, away from the action, like they were the kids at a party left to their own devices whilst the adults spoke in the other room. The other room, in this case, was the kitchen, as that’s where the booze and the snacks remained. They, however, had been left mostly with a few cans of beer and long-eaten snacks in the middle of their now-deformed circle. Neil didn’t mind. He liked this stage of teetering between being an actual adult and still being a kid. He knew Todd felt the same, and he knew most of the others felt the same. 

It was that quiet time of the night, during which everyone’s too tipsy and drowsy to say anything, but the tranquility is silently revelled in by everyone present. Neil opened his eyes, catching a glimpse of Charlie and Cameron throwing leftover popcorn at each other. He smiled to himself, thinking it was nice that they were starting to get on better. 

As it turned out, the group had decided to visit and surprise them for the full weekend, starting that Friday night, and ending on the Sunday afternoon. They’d told all of their parents they’d be going on an educational visit to the Museum of Natural History – a science museum, of course. Neil couldn’t believe it worked. 

Todd had asked, the following day, how the school was dealing with their joint disappearance. Apparently they’d been covering it up as best they could at the start, but both families started threatening to sue the school, so Headmaster Nolan was forced to start a formal investigation. Unfortunately for Nolan, there was a spy in their midst – a great teller of tales by the name of John Keating, who, under the assurance that Todd and Neil really were fine, had agreed to throw the school off any potential leads they found. Neil missed Keating. 

One night, that Sunday night to be exact, they’d found themselves discussing what they missed, because whilst New York was a dream come true, seeing everyone again had really set in concrete that they’d left just about everything but each other behind, not that they hadn’t thought about it before, but it was really beginning to set now in their minds. 

“I think about my mom sometimes, you know,” Neil had said. They’d been sitting on their couch together, ignoring the background noise of their television. 

“Me too. I miss her. It wasn’t like she did anything wrong, like I don’t want her to blame herself.”

“Same here. Even my dad. I hate my dad for what he tried to do to me, but in his mind, I know he was just trying to look out for me, in some weird way.”

“That’s true. It’s good you started to look out for yourself, though.”

“And you. It’s good you started to stand up for yourself.”

“That’s because of you,” he laughed softly. 

“You did it all on your own. You could’ve said no.”

“No, no, I really couldn’t. I don’t think I could ever.”

“You told me just yesterday we couldn’t get ice cream.”

Todd laughed. “It was one in the morning.”

“All the more reason to. What an adventure that would’ve been.”

“Neil, we’re constantly on an adventure. Our whole life is an adventure at the moment.”

He sobered at that. Life singular, huh. 

“A beautiful one, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. Oh, that’s another thing I miss. The snow at Welton, how it used to look next to the lake. That was beautiful.”

“I never really took notice of it – too busy.”

“Doing what?”

“Staring at you.”

He smiled. “You’re the worst,” he said, painstakingly obviously not meaning it. 

“And you’re beautiful. Much more beautiful than any snow I’ve seen.”

“Now you’re overdoing it.”

“I could never overdo compliments when it comes to you, dear.” He leaned in abruptly, kissing Todd’s cheek. “What else?”

“Um… Keating.”

“Keating! Yes! I miss his totally insane lessons.”

“The only interesting lesson, you mean.”

“Exactly. Anything interesting at Hellton is totally insane.”

They both laughed at that. It was the kind of laugh that pauses mid-air and leaves you feeling sad, because whilst the fact was true that they hated the boring and machine curriculum at the school, they couldn’t help but miss certain parts of it, and certain people they had to lose contact with in leaving. Neil heard Todd sigh next to him, and in turning to face him discovered that the other boy had brought his hands to his face, and begun to curl in on himself. 

He was crying. 

“Todd?”

“I’m okay.”

“Todd?”

“I don’t want you to think I’m not happy.” His shoulders began to shake, and his voice mirrored the very fact as it broke in a shatter. 

“It’s okay,” he said, feeling himself welling up as well. “Great, now we’re both crying.”

Todd snatched his own hands from his face, looking to Neil in urgency. “Don’t cry.”

“Todd.” He giggled as despite himself, tears began to roll down his cheeks. 

“I just- I don’t know. I just miss my mom and my brother and-”

“Shh,” he hushed him, bringing his arms around him. “I know. And I’m sure they miss you too. It’s okay to miss them.”

He let Todd sob in his arms for a few minutes. Tears streamed down his own face, but he was more than capable in this moment of keeping his voice steady. He knew this hadn’t affected him nearly as much as it had affected Todd. So he let him sob, offering quiet words of comfort when he felt he needed them. 

Todd had been comforting Neil for a long time, he realised. He’d helped him calm down before his audition; had helped him the night after the play all those months ago; held him and told him how proud he was of him whenever he felt like he was still letting everyone down. And he’d done all of this selflessly, never once needing nor demanding anything in return. And he loved Todd for it; he loved him so much he felt himself reel in the strength it gave him to keep just comforting him, rather than leaving them both in breakdown. And because he loved him, he decided he would let, even encourage, Todd to be more selfish sometimes with his needs and emotions, not to say that crying is selfish in the slightest, mind you. 

Once Todd had calmed down, he let himself collapse onto Neil’s lap, rubbing the leftover tears away from his eyes. 

“I’m okay,” he said. 

“You’re more than okay. Do you wanna stay here or would you rather get out of here?”

“Here. But I know you’re gonna say it’s better if we go out, and you’re probably right.”

Neil laughed softly. “I always am.”

“Whatever,” he snorted. “It is a nice night. It’s getting warmer since it’s Spring, too.”

“That’s the idea. Come on, we can go sit on a bench and look at flowers in the dark.”

“Exciting,” he laughed. 

“More than.” He brought his hand to stroke Todd’s hair, bringing it downwards from his face to his arm and to his hand. It was all wonderfully intimate. He tugged his hand slightly, beckoning him to sit up. He did so, and in doing so surprised Neil, caught him off guard yet again, by pulling him forwards and kissing him.

He was so in love. 

He’d spent so many months not being able to say it, he’d almost forgotten he was allowed now. Well, kissing Todd made him forget just about everything, but when they pulled away he remembered again. 

“I love you.”

He smiled back. “I love you too. Let’s go, love.”

  
  



	5. Talkin' Bout a Revolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally a chapter that takes place on a single day! They go to a protest, and some exciting news is revealed.
> 
> Title is a direct reference to the icon and legend Tracy Chapman but she isn't mentioned because the time period doesn't allow it I'm afraid.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so I wrote this really quickly because I realised I hadn't updated in literally ages and I was having such bad writers block I was like okay luria just fucking do it so I did and I am so so sorry for all of the inevitable spelling and grammar mistakes but like whatever it's midnight and I cannot be bothered to look over it sorry!! still hope you enjoy <3

“Yeah, yeah, it’s today. We’re heading out in a few minutes,” Neil heard Todd say on the phone.

It was nice; at some point during the last few months – somewhere between them starting school and the current moment – Todd had started contacting his brother Jeff again. At first, Neil had almost been afraid (this, of course, was after Todd had first mentioned it), but Jeff, it turns out, was actually quite nice.

As it had been suggested some months ago, and as had almost been predetermined by himself mentioning it, the Mattachine Activists had organised a protest. A small one, mind you, but a protest nonetheless, just within the Bronx. And it was in response to a piece of legislation entitled the Housing Act, which had been implemented long before he and Todd had even thought about New York, but had affected so many immigrants to the city before them. 

In short, from what he had gathered, laws in America just weren’t as straightforward as he’d been told they were. Sure, as a projected future-lawyer he’d been told a few things, but those were mostly about the salary and necessity for laws, not the logistics behind how and why each had come to pass. 

Through some digging, and some further explanation from members of other activist groups, he and Todd had come to begin to realise how this law in particular, as well as a probable large amount of laws already established, were created in order to create loopholes in order to allow landlords to discriminate against African Americans looking for housing when they moved to the city. It had been a wake up call to them both, who hadn’t even had to consider struggling to find somewhere to live. 

Fucking awful.

Jeff had had to be convinced by Todd over the phone a few days prior to the protest taking place. Neil had almost worried it was going to start an argument between the two of them; he didn’t want Todd to lose one of the only connections he had left to his family. Luckily, as it turned out, Todd was actually quite good at convincing people he was right when he didn’t have to worry about the repercussions of being wrong, or being told off. And Neil realised it had everything to do with Jeff being someone Todd trusted, and felt even more at ease that he’d decided to call him. 

Jeff had joked – by the end of the conversation – that Todd would’ve been a good lawyer. Neil knew because Todd had mentioned it to him. 

“Maybe,” he’d responded. “But something I think Jeff doesn’t realise is the fact that you’re only good at this stuff when there aren’t consequences, if you know what I mean. Like, imagine if you had to represent someone on Death Row.”

“I’d die,” he’d said. They’d both giggled to themselves. 

“Yeah, he’s here.” Neil looked up. Todd was looking back at him. “Jeff wants to speak with you,” he held the phone forwards. 

He felt his own brows furrow in confusion. “What about?”

Todd put the phone back to his ear. “What about?”

A pause.

“He won’t tell me. Just–” Neil took the phone from him, standing up – “speak to him.”

“Neil?” he heard.

“Hi.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

He heard a laugh down the line. “For looking after him. Looking out for him. I’m not really sure what you’ve both got going on, but he seems okay. I was kind of worried he wouldn’t be okay.”

“Oh. Of course he’d be okay.”

“He wouldn’t.”

Neil laughed. Todd was shy and uncertain sometimes but he was one of the strongest people he knew. Of course he’d be okay.

“I’m serious. You’ve only known Todd for as long as he’s known you, so I don’t think you’ll have seen it. He’s changed a lot. If you told me last year that my little brother would move to New York alone and not have a panic attack every day, I would’ve laughed in your face. He’s more confident now, and happier now. So, thank you.”

He was at a slight loss for words. Todd was always better with words than he was. 

“No problem. Todd’s made in the shade, though. He’s gonna do great.” He stole a glance at Todd, who was sitting at their kitchen table writing something down, smiling to himself like he hadn’t heard everything Neil had just said. 

Jeff was quiet for a moment, before answering: “Made in the shade?”

He laughed. He’d forgotten people didn’t universally speak in idioms.

“Anyway. What I really wanted to speak to you about is… Well. I just wanted to let you know that as much as I’m here for Todd, I’m here for you, too. It seems you’ve become some kind of package deal; and Todd tells me you can’t speak to any of your family here. So, you can speak to me. Consider me your honorary big brother.”

Woah. “Like an in-law.” He gathered as much strength as he could possibly muster from within himself to mentally beat himself up. Why, why, why, did he have to say that? 

“Yeah,” Jeff sounded quiet, “like an in-law.”

And with that, maybe for the first time ever, Neil fully recognised the idea that perhaps he and Todd would be able to live their lives the way he’d wanted to. Perhaps they didn’t have to be so estranged from the world after all. 

Perhaps a huge part in finding where his place was in the world was to leave it all behind, and see who reached out wanting to be a part of it. 

After his short-but-productive conversation with Jeff, he put the phone down, walking straight over to Todd, lifting his chin up, and kissing him, ignoring his slight hum of surprise as he did so. 

“Lets’ go, dear.”

As per, they walked. Well, they walked from their apartment to the bus station. It was oddly deja-vu inducing, as Neil remembered how they’d gotten to NYC in the first place so many months ago. 

Like they had the first time, they carried and listened to the portable radio that Knox had gifted them, using the headphones from Meeks and Pitts. Like Knox had said, it was romantic, but it was romantic in an intimate way that was just for them and no one else to see. Neil wasn’t happy about having to keep their relationship a secret in public, by no means whatsoever, but he did enjoy the feeling of he and Todd alone knowing something that no one else around them did, especially on a crowded bus in which there were people all around. 

By the time they got to The Bronx, it was clear the demonstrative protest had begun, and it was not, in fact, a small one. Neil wasn’t sure if people had lied about not knowing about it, or if they’d gained protesters through marching the streets alone. There were already at least two-hundred people there, and they’d arrived just two minutes after the time it was supposed to start.

There were two women and three men at the front, from what Neil could see. One of them he recognised as the man Dale had been standing with during the countdown on New Years Eve. The others he couldn’t recognise at all. 

“Todd!” he heard a voice call from a few yards away. Upon turning to see where the voice was coming from, he saw two girls who looked around their ages half-jogging towards them.

“Hey,” Todd said, once they caught up to them. 

“You didn’t mention you’d be here? This is my sister, Harriet.”

“Hey,” he said. Neil put up a short wave. 

“This is Neil. Neil, this is Peggy from one of my classes.”

“Hi, nice to meet you,” he said. 

“Neil?! Like Neil Neil?”

Neil watched as Todd averted his eyes, and could practically see the words floating around his brain: they said, “earth, swallow me whole.”

“Yes. The only Neil I’ve ever mentioned.”

Peggy turned to him, a shit-eating grin plastering her face. “Mind if I walk with Todd for a moment?” She raised an eyebrow, as if she couldn’t help it. 

He was caught off guard, so stuttered in saying “sure.”

Then, she took Todd’s elbow and dragged him aside, walking ahead of himself and Harriet. 

“So,” he tried, still slightly dazed from trying to process what on earth just happened.

“Before you say anything,” she held her hand up to him. “Todd’s a dreamboat but Peggy doesn’t like him like that. So chill.”

He let out a sigh he didn’t know he’d been holding. 

“Okay.”

“Bitchin. So, what are you doing here?” They started walking. 

“What do you mean?”

“Well… me and Peggy kinda have to be here, by skin default, you know?”

“It’s sad it has to go without saying, though.”

She looked up at him; she had to, he was significantly taller than she was, even in her heels.

“Yeah, it is.”

“I guess that’s why we’re here. It should have to be for everyone, I think.”

He saw her smiling from her side. 

“Yeah. It should. You get it.”

“I do?”

“Seems that way. Is Todd anything like you? Or are you just good with words?” she laughed. 

“Todd? He’s even better with words than I am.”

“Oh, right, he’s the writer, isn’t he? That’s exciting. I just started learning to read, you know?”

“You did?”

“Yep!” She seemed proud, and Neil couldn’t help but feel something positive even though what she was saying didn’t seem good. “Never paid attention in school like Peggy. It was always like ‘they’re never gonna teach me anything I understand or like, y’know like my culture and so,’ so I never bothered reading or writing a damn word. Peggy’s helping me now though.”

Neil hummed, though it was so loud she couldn’t possibly have heard him. “I think that’s wonderful.”

“Me too.”

They spoke like that for a while, oversharing mutually enough for nothing to be uncomfortable, enthused and empowered by the atmosphere and the people around them. 

At some point, Peggy and Todd found them again, and the four of them walked side by side, side by the rest of the hundreds and hundreds of other protesters that had gathered. 

Neil wasn’t sure it would do much – the protesting, that is. But then again, he wasn’t sure of anything that had happened in his life until after it had already happened, and things seemed to have worked out for the better so far, so he imagined that, if anything, some good must come from this; he was in exactly the right place. 

Of course, like all protests against systemic matters, they had to be dispersed.

He couldn’t quite figure out when exactly he realised things had turned sour, and would spend years wondering, but before he knew it there were people all around him shouting “POLICE” and “FEDS” and other things he couldn’t make out. 

He tilted his head in a slight air of dumb confusion, turning to Peggy, who had turned from Harriet to him. They held hands, so as not to lose each other in the crowds, and ran in the opposite direction, with nothing but a nod to them both. In thinking about it, it dawned upon him all of a sudden that things would probably be much worse for the two of them than it would for Todd and himself. He didn’t have time to voice this, however, as Todd snatched his wrist and started running back in the direction they’d arrived, yelling “come on,” and nothing more. 

Whilst running, it became increasingly clear why Todd was still holding his wrist. On every step and every turn, he bumped into someone else and someone new. Gaps in the crowds were few and far between, and had they not been physically linked, Neil wasn’t sure that they’d have been able to find each other again even after the crowds had dispersed entirely. 

Neil especially wasn’t sure that he’d have been able to find his way back to the bus stop they needed. (Not only did Todd have the map, but Todd was far better with directions than he was). 

They did, ultimately find their way back. The bus this time seemed even more crowded than before, as though people were just looking for a quick way out of the borough regardless of whether they’d intended to leave that day or not. 

It was hot. Stuffy with the panting of thirty-something people who’d just ran like their lives depended on it. (They might’ve, Neil realised). Hot with the trapped and compressed air of the summer afternoon. Neil could hardly breathe. He turned his head towards Todd, who’s expression mirrored his own, he supposed. 

It was dreadful, it really was. But something about the smiles of the people around them – they’d made a statement large enough for the higher-ups to feel so threatened that they’d send forces to stop them speaking out, going against their very own order of free speech in doing so – made him feel some strange sense of euphoria. 

It was dreadful, it really was. But he thought about Monty and how he’d seemed so apprehensive about apartment hunting, and how that was the very thing they’d been protesting against, and he knew it was worth it. It would always be worth it. Because escaping a situation you no longer want to be a part of was something that he’d experienced and was difficult for him, but was in no way made more difficult by something so trivial. And ultimately, he was able to do it in just one night. This one protest was just one event in a liberation that would likely take years. So he was proud to be there, and he was happy. 

Todd placed some headphones on him whilst he was beginning to get lost in his own thoughts. A song played – one he hadn’t heard before. The heat was still blazing and he could still barely breathe through the stuffiness of it all, but Todd had closed his eyes and there was a little smile beginning to form on his lips in the way they only did when he was listening to a song he liked, and he supposed that it wasn’t so dreadful afterall. 

They stayed like that, listening to music and chatting idly until an hour later when the bus came to a stop. 

As per, they walked. Although, about five minutes into this walk, Todd claimed he was just too tired to go on, so jumped onto Neil’s back.

It was around five in the afternoon, but in the middle of July, so the sun was still beaming at full force. They moved in a comfortable and serene silence for a while. 

“Oh,” he said, remembering. 

Todd hummed in question; the street was quiet enough to hear him.

“Why did Peggy need to steal you from me?” he asked lightheartedly. 

“Well,” he sounded embarrassed already. “She said…”

“Yes?” He was taunting him.

“She said you’re cute. And that she’s happy for me, or whatever.”

He both heard and felt Todd sigh in utter exasperation from having to say it.

“She knows?” He was surprised, really. He’d assumed Peggy just gathered Todd must’ve had a crush on him or something. 

“She didn’t until you looked so hesitant to let her walk with me,” he laughed. 

Oh. 

He supposed he’d gotten so used to not having to act every second of his life that he’d forgotten completely how to not act as himself without a script to follow. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Shut up, you totally do.” He was really laughing now. 

“You know what we should do?” he feigned a convincing air of severity. 

“Huh? What?”

“Go to one of those bars on campus.”

“... Did you just try to change the subject on purpose?”

“I think Monty might be performing. It’s Saturday, right?”

“You are! You don’t have to be jealous, love,” he said quietly. He kissed the top of his head; it was a good thing there were hardly any people on the sidewalk. 

“We’re going. You don’t get a say in it, anyway, since I’m carrying you.”

“This isn’t democratic!”

They were both laughing. 

“Only people doing the walking get a say I’m afraid, Todd.”

“...To the campus bar then?”

“Quite!”

It was only a few more minutes away from their own apartment anyway, and like always, Todd only jumped down from Neil’s back at the very last moment before they entered. 

Neil had been quite right. Monty was set to perform that night, and they’d been able to catch the last chorus of Johnny B. Goode, during which Monty swept all areas of the stage, and effectively forced the room to fall in love with him whether they’d seen the full song or just the last moments. “He’s so fucking cool,” he heard himself say to no one in particular, perhaps just to himself. 

“Yeah!” Todd replied anyway, grinning in the same way as himself. 

“Thank you so much, you guys are a fucking blast!” Monty spoke into the microphone, looking slightly bewildered. He seemed to spot Neil and Todd, and gave them a sudden wave, jumping down from the stage to come and speak to them. 

Before he got to them, however, someone seemed to stop him. 

Neil couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the man in a checkered suit said something to him, before taking a drag of his pipe. Monty nodded. The man said something else, blowing the smoke to the side from a corner of his mouth, then, they disappeared into a booth in the corner of the room, where another man was sitting. 

“That was weird,” Todd said. 

“Really weird.”

“Do you think he’ll be alright?”

“I don’t know. We should just watch, for now, I think. Just to make sure.”

“Okay.”

And so they did. The conversation lasted around ten minutes, and Todd and Neil kept their eyes glued for the entirety of it. He didn’t seem to be in any immediate danger, which was good, but Monty was their friend now, and they were going to look out for him. And when it was over, Monty seemed even more overjoyed than he had upon hearing the initial reception of his performance. 

“Hey!” he said, finding his way back to them. 

“Hi!” “Hey!”

“What was that all about?” Neil asked. 

“Oh, you won’t even believe it! Here, gentlemen, let’s sit,” he motioned to a few seats that were pushed slightly too far from a table that had been occupied by another group of people. 

They stared at him in anticipation. 

“The guys who were just talking to me – they said they’d heard from one of their clients that there was talent playing here on Saturdays at this specific time, right? And so they decide to come here, check it out. Like they have anything better to do than go snooping around college campus hangouts anyway, right,” he laughed. “So, yeah, they’re like, get this, ‘we wanna sign you.’”

“Sign you!!?” He knew he shouldn’t have been announcing it to the world but he couldn’t help the excitement pour out through his voice. 

“Shhhhh!!!” 

He heard Todd chuckle next to him. 

“Yeah. Just seems too good to be true, doesn’t it?”

“What do you mean? This is wonderful news.”

He looked down at his hands. 

“Good things do happen sometimes,” Todd spoke. “Even to you.”

There was a single beat.

“Maybe. I’ll let myself have this one, then.”

“Good.”

They all went quiet for a moment, really taking in what was happening to them. 

“Shit!” Todd startled them both. “We need to tell everyone!”

“Charlie!” he inputted. 

“Donna! Evelyn! Everyone!” 

“Immediately!” 

And it was so; Monty would tell Donna and Evelyn that night, as he was staying with them for the weekend whilst he did his gigs, and then he’d call Charlie who would tell everyone else. 

All-in-all, it was a good day. Monty fled to the apartment as soon as possible, leaving Todd and Neil together for the rest of the evening. 

They were starving, but Neil was atrocious at cooking, and Todd was too tired to cook, so they walked back to the restaurant opposite their apartment for burgers and fries. They had enough money for two milkshakes, but chose to share, passing the cup between them. 

“Do you think Monty’s told Charlie yet?” he asked. 

“I don’t think there’s a chance he hasn’t.” He laughed. “Also, Charlie would kill him if he found out he hadn’t told him immediately after it happened.”

“That’s true. I’m happy for him.”

“Me too.” He took a sip of the milkshake. 

“Do you think Charlie will join him, like in a band?”

“I don’t know. Do you?”

“Maybe. He’s unpredictable. I could tell he wanted too, though.”

“He never does anything for himself.”

“That’s why I’m scared he won’t.” He took the milkshake from Todd’s hand, finishing it off.

“Do you think he’ll get over Knox?”

“I hope. I don’t think Knox and Chris will last though. And I heard Chet has just fucking disappeared off the face of the Earth. Didn’t say anything to either of them; just vanished.”

“What?”

“I know! So weird.”

“Did you finish the milkshake?”

He smiled sheepishly.

“Neil, that was half full!”

“Half empty, and now inside me.” He laughed. “You ready to go?”

“I have no choice. You stole my milkshake.”

“I literally paid for it.”

“Let’s go!” He laughed, taking Neil’s wrist and pulling him up from his seat.

When they made it back, Todd decided he needed to show Neil something, as a “matter of total urgency.” 

Neil was sitting on their sofa, slightly worried and anticipating, when Todd reentered holding a pile of paper bound at the side, coming to sit down next to him. He placed the pile in front of him. 

“Todd?”

“Neil.”

“What’s this?”

“Your play.”

“What.” What?

“Well – it has been seven months since I started writing it.”

“What?” That really did catch him off guard. “We’ve been here for seven months?”

“Yeah,” he laughed. “It surprised me, too.”

“And you’ve finished it?”

“I had help.”

“You literally finished a playscript.”

“Neil.”

“You’re crazy.”

“There’s more.”

“Todd!”

Todd just smiled wider at him, pointedly not elaborating. 

“Tell me!” He turned fully to face him, bringing his arms around Todd’s neck. As Todd leaned forwards, accustomed to what would normally happen next, Neil leaned back. “Tell me.”

“Okay. Dale helped me a bit with the script, right? And since he helped, the university has agreed to put it on.”

He felt his own mouth gape. 

“Todd that’s…” he trailed off. 

“Insane.”

“Yeah.” He wasn’t good with words, but Todd was always able to provide the words for him had he ever found himself rendered speechless. 

“There’s more.”

“I am going to have a heart attack.”

“Love, this play is for you. Who do you think is going to have to play the lead role?”

Surely not. No. He would not get his hopes that high. Things were already going so well. 

“I don’t know… casting… callbacks… other steps.”

“Neil.”

Silence.

“Neil.”

“Todd.” He smiled, leaning forwards. He let him kiss him this time.

“I wouldn’t have let Dale put it on if he hadn’t agreed to give you the role. It’s my play, anyway, and I’m casting you. I choose you for the most important part.”

Todd could be so assertive these days, the longer they were together. Neil loved it. 

“You’re perfect. A dreamboat, I’ve heard.”

“Me?”

“Only you.” He kissed him again. “When’s the play?”

“Early November, I think.”

“Cool,” was all he said, silently coming up with a surprise of his own. 

*

“Hello?”

“Hi Jeff, it’s Neil.”

“Hey! What’s up?”

“Well,” he took a deep breath. “I was wondering if you’d be able to come visit in November?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is a bit shorter than the others but I still hope you enjoyed! I've planned the rest of the story out now so there's actually an end in sight! please stay tuned and thank you so so much for reading so far I really appreciate it
> 
> Harriet and Peggy stem from H.P. Newton, who taught himself to read after graduating in 1959, and later went on to be the leader of the Black Panther Party to speak out about racial discrimination and oppression in the States
> 
> twitter is @VERUMlS (yes the I is a secret lowercase L)


	6. The Devious and Brilliant Mind of Charlie Dalton, Musician

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charlie orchestrates more people to surprise Neil and Todd on the day of the play. He also thinks about his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Campitts nation you are such legends 
> 
> Leah ily 
> 
> tw // mentions of suicidal thoughts and suicide
> 
> ^^ but like it's two sentences it's not a main thing I just thought the warning might be necessary for some!
> 
> consistent narrative? idk her sorry 🧍🏽♀️

There was a poem that the boys of Welton Academy had been made to read during some vaguely memorable lesson during a class that year, one that Neil and Todd had been too busy in New York to ever hear. It was an Oscar Wilde poem, one loved by many professors and lovers of English, that reminded a certain John Keating of two of the pupils he’d saved in losing. In the Summer of 1960, around the same time two girls and two boys in the Bronx began running for their lives, this poem was read aloud to a class of the friends of the very same boys at the centre of our narrative. 

_"Nay, let us walk from fire unto fire,_

_From passionate pain to deadlier delight, -_

_I am too young to live without desire,_

_Too young art thou to waste this summer night,"_ Keating read. 

In some ways, he was acting: acting as though he couldn’t see the words of the poem reminding the class of the classmates they’d lost. It was heartbreaking – he knew not all of them knew where they’d disappeared to, and it was a credit to Neil and Todd’s closest and most loyal friend group that they didn’t. 

He’d chosen to read it to them for a reason, of course. As Summer dawned upon them, a lot of them would be thinking about their own futures. They were eighteen now, bar one Charlie Dalton (August), and would either be coming to grips with the reality that they were already beginning to turn into their fathers, or half-committedly coming up with meticulous plans to pursue literally any other career path. For those in the class that knew just how successful one of these plans could be, if carried out with full commitment, the words of the poem might just inspire them to pursue their own ideals. 

The poem ended, and as did one of their final lessons together.

In some ways, he wasn’t acting; he allowed his face to break out into as much emotion he wanted when one student remained seated after the rest of the class had left. 

“It was about them, wasn’t it?” he said. 

He just smiled down at the boy. 

“They’re doing good, you know. Really good.”

“I’m glad to hear it, Charlie. But what about you?”

He looked down at his desk, laughing in a manner opposite to the way he usually would. Regretfully. 

“What about me?”

“Well – what are you going to do?”

“In life?”

He laughed. “Well, if you aren’t ready to think that far ahead yet, what are you going to do this Summer? Your last before college.”

“Oh,” he perked up at that. “I was thinking of visiting everyone.”

Everyone. He knew what that meant. He’d been kept up to date with everything that had been going on in New York with just about everyone. Neil, Todd, Charlie’s cousin, his aunts, Neil and Todd’s new friends, the whole lot. 

“What will you do there? Their school year has already started, as I’m sure you’re aware.”

It wasn’t supposed to sound like an interview, or a counsellor’s questioning, but he knew if he didn’t ask then Charlie wouldn’t think about it. From a year of knowing the boy, he’d come to realise that he thought about just about everyone else before he even considered thinking about himself.

“My cousin, Monty – I think I told you about him. He got signed by some music industry guys or something, and Monty said they said I could help out in the recording studio with the instruments and stuff for when they’re recording. So I’d get to play my music and keep an eye on Monty. And I’d get to see Evelyn and Donna, which will be cool because my parents hate them and I never get to see them. They still think we were going to a museum last time, you know?”

He laughed at that, seemingly to himself but most definitely at the sheer nerve of these boys. “It seems like you already know what you want in life, Mr Dalton. And all I’d suggest to you now is that you stop thinking about keeping an eye on the people around you and start keeping an eye out for yourself.”

He nodded. “I’ll do that.”

“I mean it.”

“I’ll try.”

He smiled and turned back around to walk to his own desk. 

“That wasn't all!”

“No?”

“Well, this one’s about Neil and Todd. I won’t be here to tell you closer to the time but I thought it might be nice if you could come to Neil’s show? Todd wrote the whole play and it’s like this whole production thing. It’d be a surprise!”

He thought about it for a moment. He’d been to one of Neil’s performances before, partly under the guise that he had to drive the other boys to go and watch it too. And last time had ended in tears. Although, he supposed, this time had no parents to potentially come and ruin it. 

“I’ll see what I can do. When is it?”

Charlie held up a scrap slip of paper to him, which on the front read a venue, a date, and a time in his handwriting, and on the back was the printed final stanza to Wilde’s poem they’d been studying during that very same lesson. 

“You wrote this during class?”

“I figured you wouldn’t mind. Also,” he said, standing up from his desk, “I got to thinking the other day, I’m really good at just knowing when people are gonna wanna do things. I’m in the wrong type of school; I should’ve gone to psychic school or something.”

“And I’m sure you would’ve prospered,” he confirmed. He saw right through what he’d been looking for: reassurance that he would be at the play to surprise the boys. Of course he would.

Likewise, there were a few other people Charlie had in mind to bring to New York in November; it was just a matter of time and willpower, and now that it was Summer, he had successfully acquired both. 

There was a boy that Charlie had gotten to know during the early weeks of Summer, and had become friends with towards the final months of the Welton school year. This boy’s name was Chet Danbury. 

As one might think, he initially only spoke a word to him out of intrigue. He had disappeared off the face of the Earth, after all – hadn’t been to school or anything (according to Knox, and according to Chris). Charlie was the only person in the world other than Chet himself that knew where Chet was or where he was going. And while that may seem like they were the closest of friends, the truth was that this was only because Charlie had convinced him to go somewhere in particular with him. 

Chet; brother of Ginny who knew Neil from acting, who knew Chris through being childhood friends, who had very recently just-last-week broken up with Knox; in essence, was Charlie’s brother-of-a-friend’s friend and ex-of-a-best-friend-s ex. And as this explanation induced confusion in Chet, as most likely with you, Charlie wormed his way into making Chet acknowledge his existence enough to satisfy his relentless nosiness. 

He’d found out that the reasoning for his disappearance in the first place had been a mere accident. He’d stopped going to school for a week after finding out his girlfriend had cheated on him with the guy he’d punched in the face for kissing her, then he continued not going to school once the whole school found out. Then one day he went for a drive whilst everyone was out, forgetting his house key, and essentially locking himself out. He couldn’t be bothered waiting, so he stayed out, at least for another couple of days. Unfortunately by that point, he’d already been allegedly “missing” for nearly a month. 

On the twenty-second day of his disappearance, he ran into Charlie in a small cafe too far from both of their schools to be considered a day trip, and Charlie convinced him they knew each other enough for him to tell him what he planned on doing after this. 

“Nothing.”

“Why not?”

“Not thought about it. What about you?”

“Music.” A girl sat next to him in a booth giggled. “The Big Apple.”

“Right,” he laughed.

“I’m serious. That’s where we’re all going. There’ve been five disappearances already, haven’t you heard?”

There most definitely had not been five, he was exaggerating. There had only been two, not counting Chet, and there were already six people from school alone who knew where they were. 

“Oh. Yeah. I’ve heard of those.” Charlie grinned at him. “You all doing music?”

“No, just a couple. Others are doing their own thing. There’s a lot going on over there, you see.”

“Ah.”

The silence was only slightly awkward, and was made only slightly more awkward by the fact that Charlie was there with two people already, a girl and a boy from a school he’d passed on his way down there, while Chet was there alone. 

“I play. Guitar.”

That peaked his interest. “When did you learn that?” he asked. 

“I taught myself. After getting myself kicked out of Hellton, I taught myself.”

“That’s cool,” he responded. And he meant it. “I taught myself saxophone.”

There was no dramatic declaration that they’d run away, as there shouldn’t ever have to be. They kept meeting up whenever they could and whenever they wanted, and eventually came up with the joint decision to assist Monty in his recording sessions over the Summer, and there Charlie would spend his eighteenth birthday and decide if he wanted to move there or not. Chet wouldn’t be moving with him; he actually liked his family enough to want to stay, at least for a little while longer; but the prospect of them being just a little bit like a real band was exciting to Charlie nonetheless. 

With being friends with Chet came unprecedented access to Chet’s immediate circle, which, as mentioned, included Ginny, sister of Chet and friend of Neil’s. This, essentially, was where Charlie came up with the idea to slowly get more and more people on board with getting people to come to see Neil and Todd’s show in New York in November. And thus, another great plan of Nuwanda was born.

He told Chet – he trusted him enough at this point – who provided Ginny with enough information to know that she would definitely enjoy what she saw if she went to see the play, but not enough information to piece together that she’d be seeing Neil. 

Neil had called Keating the day after the Oscar Wilde poem had been read out to the class, the day after the protest. He’d called asking to be put on the phone to Charlie at some point in the day. Keating, Charlie presumed, had been so glad to hear Neil’s voice properly for the first time in months, that he’d forgotten to actually give this news to Charlie until the evening, which wasn’t too bad as it was still so light outside there’d be no point in even attempting to sleep. 

Over the phone, Neil told him he’d been in contact with Todd’s older brother, Jeff, and that he was going to surprise Todd by coming to the play. Charlie could only smile to himself deviously, like he often did when he was hiding things from people for their own good. 

“That’ll be nice for him,” he replied. “I’m sure he probably misses hima lot. He’s like the only person in that family that cares about him properly.”

“Exactly! He’s super nice, y’know? Said I’m like his little brother-in-law.”

“He did?!” He had not anticipated Jeff being that open-minded having prospered under Welton’s regime. 

“Yeah. It’s cool it’s like no one wants to talk about it but no one really cares either, which is a lot better than I thought people would take it, especially him.”

“Take it? What, did you tell him?”

“No, no. I don’t even think Todd meant to; he’s just bad at talking about me in a stoic manner.”

“That’s always been true?”

“...It has?”

“I’m not doing this with you again, Neil,” he laughed. “So you’ll have Jeff and I there right?”

“Yeah. Maybe Monty, too. And Peggy and Harriet.”

“You’ve got groupies!”

“Shut up, Nuwanda. How do you even know that word?”

“How do you even remember the name Nuwanda? I haven’t corrected you in months! And I basically live in New York with the amount I hear from you all over there. It’s like a stream of gossip I get,” he explained. 

“It’s not a very common name, you’d be surprised to hear.”

“Is it not?” he laughed. He’d missed this so much. 

He knew he’d be seeing Neil soon anyway, so he didn’t voice it, he just made a mental note to let him know he’d missed him once he got there. 

Regardless, that’s how he acquired person number four to come to New York. Yes, it was Neil who did most of the work, but if he hadn’t sent Neil to New York with Todd in the first place, there’d have been no Jeff coming to watch the show in the first place, so he’d decided to take around twenty percent of the credit. 

The next people Charlie thought of, who he couldn’t believe he hadn’t already thought of, were their literal friends. Although, it didn’t take much to get them to agree to another trip to New York. It was much more simple than getting Ginny to agree, for example, as they already knew exactly where they’d have to be and had a much stronger incentive to go in knowing that some of their two best friends were there and it would be the fruit of their labour they’d be seeing. 

The single problem he encountered, which seemed like much bigger a problem than it really was once Charlie would look back on it later, was that he wasn’t sure if he’d be travelling to the city with the group, or if he’d be deciding to stay in New York after the Summer, thus not needing to travel in the first place. He still hadn’t told anyone except everyone already in New York that he was seriously considering moving there. For all his friends knew, he was only going for a couple of weeks. 

In the midst of thinking about himself, Neil, Todd, and everyone coming together to watch a play, his entire thought process was interrupted, suddenly and involuntarily, about parents. Mr Perry, in particular. 

Mr Perry had never not been nice to him, but, as Neil had so unmitigatedly explained to him, that was because he had money. 

Now, he was under no disposition of inviting that man, nor even hinting to him where Neil was, and the main thoughts he had were around the realisation that this man had absolutely no idea where his son was, if Neil’s mom had done what she took pride in and kept quiet. 

***

On the night he’d left, Neil had left a message for his mother on the kitchen table, an act she thought kind enough of him to not say a word to her husband, Tom, no matter how much he questioned her – which, admittedly, wasn’t much, as he thought little of his wife enough to assume their son would want nothing to do with her if he wanted nothing to do with him either. 

In fact, Tom Perry had only even considered that his son might have run away once the Headmaster of his son’s school suggested it, having previously believed he’d been kidnapped. Characteristically, he began to believe the Headmaster, because of course it would be his son’s fault he missed his great chance at life, and not the fault of the school under any circumstance. The school was good, reputable. 

Mrs Perry hadn’t much say in what she thought had happened, nor would she have wanted in this case. 

Neil’s parents didn’t cry. 

They cared; of course they cared. They looked for him. But they didn’t cry. 

Mrs Perry had no reason other than not being able to see him much, which wasn’t all that different from usual when you consider her son attended a boarding school. Mr Perry had no reason other than the embarrassment of a whole regional social class thinking he’d let his son run away under false promises he’d be able to act.

They’d met up with Todd’s parents, who were decent enough to tell Mrs Perry it was okay to cry. (She still didn’t. She didn’t feel much at all those days.) They’d discussed whether they thought they’d gone somewhere together – “of course, it’s too convenient of a timing,” Mr Perry had said, whilst Todd’s father had said something along the lines of “of course not, they have nothing in common, and our boy couldn’t even leave his room without panicking.”

The two women at the table had shared a look. It was a look they both interpreted as “these men know nothing about their children,” but could’ve been easily and more accurately interpreted as “we’re both very much aware our sons have run off together and these men are absolutely clueless; best to keep it to ourselves.”

They never met up again as a full quartet of parents. Notably, a father or two were missing from the next few meetups, until eventually it was just Mrs Perry and Mrs Anderson alone in a diner too far away from their own homes to be considered a place for a quick meetup with a friend.

When Summer came, they’d meet up in the same diner, and like the artists might manipulate Fate to fit a narrative, or a scholarly skeptic might do the same with Coincidence, they’d meet none other than Charlie Dalton and Chet Danbury, both handling suitcases and sharing a plate of fries between them. 

And it’s in this point in our timeline that Charlie’s tangled and incessant thoughts about parents finally reach a resolve.

To Charlie’s surprise, they’d developed some kind of dynamic. He didn’t think he’d ever heard Mrs Perry speak more than a few words in the many years he’d known her, and whilst she still didn’t speak much now, what she did say was from her and not a diluted string of thoughts from her husband. 

He’d never met Mrs Anderson before this. He’d seen her a couple of times, but never really spoken to her. It was clear she had more experience being able to open up than Mrs Perry, as she often spoke for the two of them, but not in the painfully overbearing and obnoxious way that Mr Perry so often did. 

He’d been more than prepared to have to sit and channel his inner Neil, acting like the devastated best friend to the runaway that knew nothing about his disappearance, which was why he was even more than surprised when Mrs Perry (Mrs Perry!!!) told him straight to his face, “I know you know where they are. Just tell me if you know they’re okay.”

And, well, Charlie was a good liar, but he was also a good person, and so he was not about to lie to a worried mother about her child, whether he knew he’d be able to do it convincingly or not. 

He sighed. “They’re fine. Good, actually. Really good.” He gave them both a reassuring smile, just to emphasise that he was being as honest as he could be. 

They both visibly relaxed at that, for what might’ve been properly and unguardedly for the first time in months. He felt Chet beside him eyeing him nervously, but he didn’t mind. He’d just explain things to him in full later. 

“Can you tell us where they are?” Mrs Anderson asked. 

He shook his head. “I can’t do that. I want to, but I couldn’t do that to them. It’s their choice to be hidden – you get that.”

She sighed. Mrs Perry furrowed her brows, seemingly concentrating on a thought.

“They are eighteen now,” he added. 

“Charlie,” she spoke again. “I know eighteen seems like a big age right now, but you’re all still children. That’s why you’re kept in that school in the first place – to keep you all safe.”

“Yeah, and look how that turned out,” Chet started, almost forgetting he didn’t actually know the two people he was defending. “Two runaways, kids every year acting out because they wanna get kicked out so bad, suicides they just fucking cover up.” The two women gasped, slightly shocked at the language coming from this young boy’s mouth, and a silence spawned across the table from the shock. 

“You’re right,” Mrs Perry said. “Clearly it might not have been what was best. But we thought it might have been.”

“It should’ve been,” he said. 

“You’re both going somewhere. Are you visiting them?” Mrs Anderson interjected, suddenly motioning to their suitcases. 

“Not exactly,” he tried to laugh. 

“Near them, then.”

“I guess.”

“And you’re really not going to tell us where our own son’s are?”

He could tell she was getting angry now, but he’d had plenty of adults angry with him throughout his life, adults who would do much worse to him than yell and look extremely angry. And, ultimately, his only loyalties were to his friends, and he would stick to that for as long as he could. 

Before he could respond, Chet gave him a nudge. “The play,” he whispered. 

It was a gamble. Neil and Todd didn’t hate their moms, in fact they probably missed them more than he could even begin to understand. But he still didn’t know if they would want them to see them, especially if it were to take them by surprise. 

He thought for a moment about everything Todd had been through with neglect from both his parents, and what Neil had been through from Mrs Perry’s silence. They’d both done things wrong, and he wasn’t about to make things worse for his friends if their moms hadn’t changed at least a little. 

“Mrs Perry?”

“Hmm?”

“Where’s your husband?”

She looked shocked for a few moments. “At work.”

“Does he know you’re here?”

“Yes.”

“Is he okay with that?”

“No.”

“And you’re here anyway?”

“He can’t do anything anymore anyway. He’s losing money. And the money he does have has nowhere to go to but me.” She gave a small smile, and Charlie mirrored it, more in realisation that that’s the most she’s probably spoken her mind in literal years. 

“Mrs Anderson? Where do you think your son is?”

Her face turned even more sour. “How am I supposed to know that? He could be anywhere on this Earth for all I know.” 

“What does your son like? Where would he go?”

Then Chet added, “Can’t you just put yourself in his shoes for once?”

She sighed. “I recently learned he liked to write.”

“He still does,” Charlie spoke. “Who told you that?”

“My eldest.”

“Seems he knows Todd a whole lot better than you, then?”

“Well – yes. But I’m sure I’d have tried to learn more about him had I known I would’ve had to try and retrace his steps to find out where the hell he’s gone!”

“You’re missing the point, Jen,” Mrs Perry said. 

“Exactly. What’s Jeff’s favourite hobby?”

“He likes cooking. He’s rather good at it. _Oh_.” 

If it wasn’t so awful, he would’ve laughed. A mother worried sick about her son not even realising she’d neglected him for her other child. 

“Did you know Todd cooks?” he asked out of curiosity alone. Neil had once told him that Todd had cooked him a special birthday meal, and that Todd did most of the cooking in their apartment. 

“No.” She looked down at her hands. 

Chet nudged him again, holding his wrist with his watch on up to him, pointing out the time. They’d have to go soon. 

“Are either of your tastes suited to the theatre?” he asked. 

Confusion swept their faces, then masked itself over them. 

“I’ve seen a play once?” 

“Maybe a few?”

“I think you’d really like this one.” He tore up a piece of greased tissue paper that’d been laid underneath their fries, and on it wrote an address, a date, a title, and a time, before sliding it across the table to them. “See you soon,” was the last thing he said to them, before leaving the diner with Chet so as to not miss their flight. (A flight was standard for them; they were rich and had parents willing to pay for their educational visits to museums).

Flying was no safe and comfortable mode of transportation; jet planes were modern technology, after all. Charlie Dalton was not known for being one to play it safe. 

As children, Neil had always known Charlie to be the risk-taker, although, he supposed, ultimately he’d taken the biggest risk either of them had ever taken – orchestrated by Nuwanda himself, obviously. 

The risks Charlie took were often surprising, and in being friends with him you came to expect that your life was just going to have a few unprecedented twists and turns, in this case in the form of a visit he’d been completely unaware of. He’d shown up at the doorstep of his and Todd’s apartment, not only with no warning, but with Chet Danbury at his side. 

But Chet had supposedly been missing for the last two months, and Charlie wasn’t supposed to be visiting until November. 

The initial surprise, he’d come to learn, would have to subside almost immediately after the event happening. 

Chet stood awkwardly in their doorway when Charlie all but leaped into Neil’s arms, excitement consuming them both. Todd was not as good with physical affection as Neil, but accepted Charlie’s hug with open arms once he found him further down the hallway, leaving Chet and Neil semi-awkwardly trying not to stare at each other in pure awe. Two missing persons were standing in a doorway… it was quite literally a joke with no punchline and even less resolve. 

“So, you didn’t disappear off the face of the Earth,” he said; and it was enough to lighten the atmosphere a little. 

“No,” he laughed. “And you weren’t kidnapped.”

“No.”

“Good for you.”

“Thanks. Oh, sorry,” he moved backwards. “Come on in.” 

At some point between Mrs Perry and Mrs Anderson being given a highly cryptic note from a seventeen year old and said seventeen year old being picked up by his lesbian aunt in New York, Todd Anderson had taken inspiration from the beauty all around him – referred to often as “Neil” – to bake. Or, rather, teach himself to bake. 

The cupcakes on their kitchen table were somewhat sad-looking, and some were surely stuck to their paper cases, but Neil presented them to Charlie and Chet with such pride and spirit that the two were half convinced they were looking at a completely different set of cupcakes entirely. 

Luckily, they did taste delicious. 

“So, you’re doing like a practice run this Summer to see if you like it here enough?” Neil asked. 

“Yeah, Chet plays guitar which is great because guitars are in lately or something.”

“Right! Guitars and piano, have you seen Ray Charles? Totally bitchin’ sound, I love it!” he gushed. 

Chet’s face washed with confusion, as Charlie nodded and chewed his cupcake. 

“I prefer Nelson,” Todd added. 

“Ricky?” Neil laughed. “You don’t prefer him, you’re obsessed with him.”

“Shut it, Neil,” he laughed in return. “At least I’m not obsessed with Ella;” he turned to look at Charlie. “It’s your fault. You left so many Louis Armstrong records and now all we ever hear in this apartment is that one song with him and Ella.”

“They have more than one song together,” Chet laughed. 

“Yeah,” Charlie added. “I can think of at least five off the top of my head.” 

“And I put them on rotation, so dear you’re hearing at least five different songs a day,” he smiled cheekily at Todd. 

He forgot he wasn’t supposed to call Todd terms of affection around others, but he already called him “dear” long before they got together, and Todd didn’t seem startled or worried, so he supposed it didn’t matter too much. 

“Whatever,” he laughed. “So does Monty know you’re here already?” 

“Yeah, I had to introduce him to Chet before we got here. But don’t worry, you’re free to take us sight-seeing now!”

“Sight-seeing?” Neil would never stop being surprised by him. 

“Well, are you doing anything else?”

They looked at each other. “No, I suppose not. Okay then, let’s go sightseeing in a city you’ve seen already.”

“That’s the spirit!”

During their little daytrip, Charlie pulled Neil and Todd to one side separately, to check on them both individually. He told Neil he’d missed him, and Neil presumed he’d told Todd the same, and probably asked about Jeff. Oddly, Charlie asked him if he ever thought about his parents. 

“Yeah – it’s hard not to sometimes,” he’d said. 

“Do you miss them?”

“I guess so. Maybe a little. Is that bad?”

Charlie just smiled. “Not at all.”

“I think it’s probably just wanting to know how they’re doing. I don’t wanna go back there at all, but it’d be nice to know they’re okay at least.”

“I mean…” he trailed. Charlie didn’t often trail. His words were quickly processed full of confidence. This was odd for him. “Would you ever want to see them again? They were really shitty, Neil.”

“I know. My father, especially. I really could see where he was coming from, but he never would’ve listened to me. If I’d stayed there for much longer, I don’t know what I would’ve done.”

There was a sort of sinister ambience between them for a split second, as they both knew he knew exactly what he would’ve done, and wanted to do, but neither of them wanted to bring it up or even continue thinking about it. 

“As for my mother, I don’t know. I wish I could tell her I’m fine. Well, I know she knows I’m fine in the sense I’m not dead because I left her a note. But I wish I could tell her I’m good. So I think maybe I’d wanna see her again just to tell her, but not to be around her all the time. I dunno. Does that even make sense?”

“Yeah, it does.”

Charlie could always tell when Neil needed to say more, get things off his chest, and when he needed time to think about what it was he wanted to say. He’d missed his best friend.

“I don’t wanna see my dad. He’d make me go back, I think. And I’ve really just started my life, like I’ve really just started living. And things are going amazing with Todd and he’s just incredible. I just couldn’t let him ruin things for me right now. But I do want him to know that I’m doing good, mainly to prove to him I could do it on my own without the privilege of going to a fucked up boarding school.”

Charlie laughed at that. “It was pretty fucked up.”

“Exactly.”

“Maybe if you get really famous, you can go on TV and he’ll see you. And he won’t be able to say anything to you. He’ll just have to sit and watch in anger.”

They both laughed. “That’s my new goal.”

“And mine – I’m gonna do music just to show people I can.”

“I thought you seemed… I don’t know. Lighter?”

“Lighter?”

“Like you aren’t busy thinking about things. You’ve been thinking a lot lately.”

“Oh. I didn’t realise.”

“Was it because of Knox? I heard he and Chris totally split.”

“Yeah, she dumped him.”

“Yeah, he seemed a little heartbroken over the phone.”

“A little?”

“A lot,” he laughed.

“It wasn’t even that. I think I’m just glad I’ve figured something out for myself for once.”

He was silent for a beat. “Me too.”

He didn’t know what Charlie spoke to Todd about, but it must’ve been good, because Todd was smiling the whole time. There was a point during their conversation in which Neil saw Charlie’s expression shift, like he was realising just how much Todd had changed in the last few months. It was nice someone else finally got to see and acknowledge what he’d been seeing. He knew Jeff had mentioned it, but hearing it was nothing in comparison to seeing it.

Todd was still shy. And that was okay. But, as they’d both realised, being shy and quiet and introverted did not have to mean not being confident. New York had done wonders for Todd’s confidence, and Neil thought it was beautiful: Todd was beautiful, and he told him so every time the thought came to his mind. 

Neil wasn’t sure to what extent he’d changed during his time there. He knew he had, most definitely. He knew that he didn’t feel tired from having to put on an act all the time; he knew he didn’t feel exhausted at the mere thought of having to live through the next day; he knew he was excited about life; he knew he had talents and lots to give and could love his boyfriend like no one else could. He knew other people could see that he’d changed. 

“You don’t sound like you’re from Vermont,” Chet had said whilst they were still walking. “You sound like you’ve lived here your whole life.”

“Thanks.” It was definitely a compliment. 

After a long afternoon walking around the city, Todd and Neil arrived back to their apartment arm-in-arm, and were greeted by a single empty cupcake wrapper on their kitchen table with scribbled handwriting on the outside where it’d been pressed down flat. 

Neil didn’t recognise what the hell it was, but Todd recognised it as the final stanza from an Oscar Wilde poem, that read

_‘We shall be notes in that great Symphony_

_Whose cadence circles through the rhythmic spheres,_

_And all the live World's throbbing heart shall be_

_One with our heart; the stealthy creeping years_

_Have lost their terrors now, we shall not die,_

_The Universe itself shall be our Immortality.’_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was kinda in a different narrative style as you can probably tell but I did think a lot of it was really necessary and it just wasn't going to happen from Neil's POV because he's just not there and also it's a surprise for he and Todd so whatever
> 
> sorry this wasn't like the other chapters but I realised there actually needs to be a plot its not just a series of moments 😭
> 
> next chapter – if things go to plan – will be the play and everything that takes place then. Thennnn no spoilers but there will be a bit of a time skip I think. also more monty next chapter and more Peggy and Harriet maybe I don't know possibly 
> 
> I lied when I said I had a plan tbh I just write and hope for the best. the plan for this whole chapter was Knox and Chris break up and look how that ended up lmao it was mentioned what twice 😜 anyway thank you so so much for reading if you read this far!! this fic is really special to me as it's getting me out of my writers block and I really enjoy writing it. 
> 
> twt is @ VERUMlS


	7. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Great Play you've all been waiting for!

The clock ticked. Similarly to nearly a year ago now when Neil had sat opposite his father, a night before he’d leave for good; the clock ticked. Only this time it was more of a countdown than an incessant reminder of how much time he still had left to sit somewhere he’d rather really not be. This time it was the clock ticking minutes until the opening curtain; the first night of the first showing of Todd’s (and his) play. 

He knew Todd was in the audience somewhere, and he knew Jeff would likely be with him. He’d arrived the day before, surprising both of them when he showed up to their apartment. It was nice for Neil to meet him, but he ultimately left the two of them to catch up for the day, as he stayed in the apartment to learn his lines, whilst the two brothers had left to walk around New York for a while. 

He knew Charlie was in the audience somewhere, though he hadn’t seen him yet. And if Charlie was there then there was a huge likelihood that Monty was there too, though he hadn’t seen him either. He’d invited a couple of people from school, though they knew the play was going ahead either way, and it wouldn’t have been difficult for them to get there. He felt his heart pound in a grand effort to get past the anticipation and start the show. The clock continued ticking, practically matching the rhythm of his own heart. Or perhaps his heart had matched the rhythm of the seconds passing – he couldn’t tell. Either way, he hadn’t been this excited since he and Todd had first ran away, or perhaps since Todd kissed him behind the theatre. He thought to himself a bit more, and decided he would kiss Todd again after the show no matter what. 

There were a few nooks and crannies around the building he could probably drag him to so they wouldn’t get hate crimed if anyone saw them; perhaps he might have to wait until they got home. He didn’t mind waiting, but he really would rather not have to. 

Someone from somewhere above shouted “one minute!” and the clock began its final sixty second countdown. His heartbeat fell out of timing with the seconds, and decided to race ahead alone, skipping a few beats whenever he thought too hard about what he was about to do. 

The play itself had, quite unapologetically, been written for Neil. The lines and the set and the plot had been obviously written with Neil in mind. He loved Todd for it. 

When the curtains opened, Todd’s was the first face he saw, beaming up at him with all the pride and love he had to give. It was a great and strenuous effort not to return it. 

The second face he saw was Jeff’s, followed by Charlie then Monty, then Knox, Cameron, Meeks, Pitts, then My God was that Keating next to Pitts? It had to be. Fucking Hell who organised this? 

He knew he was good at acting, and he’d gotten even better since attending college. He knew this fact especially in this moment as he managed to just about conceal his joy and surprise of seeing them all there in their little row. It was just like a year ago, only a billion times better. 

He made eye contact with other audience members during his monologues, and in doing so came to the realisation that Ginny and Chet Danbury were right there, in the third row. This, and he was surprised he hadn’t realised sooner, forced the realisation upon him that Charlie must’ve orchestrated this whole thing with all of his old friends coming to see him. He opted not to be surprised if he saw anyone else from school; he couldn’t risk blowing his character. Not on opening night. 

He opted not to be surprised if he saw anyone else from school, and he stuck to that. But the next people he recognised in the audience he didn’t think he would’ve even been able to prepare himself for seeing. 

There, towards the back, arriving a couple of minutes late, were his mother and Todd’s mother, who he’d only ever seen once the night he and Todd had decided to run off. 

He nearly missed his cue. 

He’d thank and slap Charlie later. He really nearly messed up his performance over this. 

By the second Act, he’d managed to just about calm himself down a little. ‘A little,’ being the emphasised aspect of the statement. He couldn’t fathom how Charlie would’ve managed to get his and Todd’s moms to attend. How did he tell them without their fathers knowing? Did their fathers know? Were they there? Had they just decided not to come? Were their mothers happy they were here? How much did they know? 

Questions raced through his mind throughout the entire time he wasn’t onstage, and for a moment he was reminded of why he loved acting so much in the first place – an escape from having to be himself. But within this reminder was the realisation that this time round he liked himself a whole lot more, and it was really just the uncertainty that was getting to him. Like, was his mother going to try and drag him back to Vermont? Was Todd’s? He didn’t think – no, he knew that he absolutely would not go back if his mother asked him to. He hoped Todd wouldn’t either. Ah, more things to worry about. 

He couldn’t wait to get back onstage. No more thoughts. No more thinking about Todd leaving or their parents’ motives. Just proud faces staring back at him and lines that were predetermined and crafted solely for him to say. 

And that was just it, he realised when he did get back onstage. Their mothers didn’t seem angry in the slightest. They just seemed proud. 

He caught a glimpse of Todd’s mother staring down at Todd, who’s eyes were only on him. He couldn’t help but give a small smile back; he loved him so much. He could never act or pretend not to be in love with Todd – not in a million years – not for anyone. 

Inviting Charlie was definitely half a mistake; without Keating and Monty, he would’ve interrupted the show at least twenty times by now with his cheering alone. He was so grateful to each of them. 

At the end of the play, Todd was called up to make a speech. Had this been a year ago, Neil might’ve worried, or even tried to get him out of it. He found himself not worried at all, and he knew all he had to do to reassure a still-very-shy Todd was to smile encouragingly at him, which he did, and it worked as well as he knew it would. 

Todd thanked the school for helping put the whole show together, then Dale for helping him write it in the first place. He thanked Neil for inspiring him to be brave as well as “other things you know you’ve done for me.” He thanked everyone for coming, and in that moment Neil could’ve sworn he’d realised his own mother was standing right opposite him. His breath had hitched slightly, and he knew that what he said next had not been part of the speech he’d heard him rehearsing so many times in their apartment before. 

“Thank you to everyone who gave me a second chance.” 

It was to his mother, probably, who really was giving Todd a second chance by letting him restart his life without running back to Vermont and telling his father, as well as giving their relationship a second chance too, hopefully. Neil knew just how much Todd’s mother had neglected him – knowingly or not – for her eldest son. 

It was also, he assumed, to Keating, who’d given them both a second chance by being the only person who told them it was okay to do things unconventionally, to live freely and take responsibility for their own lives. Keating seemed to get the message, as he sent a wink up to them both. 

Todd also surprised Neil, not for the first time nor the last, by asking Neil to say a few words before they let the audience go for the night. 

He didn’t have much to say. Who was he, really? Just a boy with a lot of love for the people around him. Who was he thankful for? 

Todd. Keating. Charlie. Monty. Ginny. Knox, Meeks, Pitts, Cameron, fucking everyone. 

He felt Todd wipe his cheek swiftly. Was he crying? 

Oh. He definitely was. 

Right. Speech. Cry later, he thought. 

Only crying later might have been a bit of a stretch. He felt tears stream down his face during the entire speech. He didn’t even have the strength within him to be embarrassed about it. He was just so full of love. 

He thanked Todd first, “for writing the best play I’ve ever read, let alone had the pleasure to act in,” as well as for “and being my partner in life on this insane journey.” Todd smiled at him. They had their own little secret. 

He thanked Keating, whom without he would’ve never even started acting in the first place. He thanked his friends in the audience for coming and “surprising the shit out of me,” earning laughs from the audience all-round. He thanked the production department and the other actors, and he probably thanked a few more people – he couldn’t remember really; he was crying a lot. 

He was all but dragged offstage afterwards by Todd, who pushed him backstage near the Emergency Exit door and kissed him. Neil’s brain couldn’t quite catch up with what was going on, but if Todd was kissing him, he wasn’t going to stop him. He vaguely remembered that he’d been meaning to do the same thing, but Todd had beat him to it. He laughed slightly into the kiss; Todd was always surprising him. 

“I love you,” he said. “You’re incredible.”

“I love you too. You were amazing out there. I knew you would be.”

“Thank you. All your words, though, darling,” he laughed. 

Todd brought his hand down to Neil’s wrist, eyes never breaking away from his. “We need to go talk to everyone.”

“Ah, we probably should.”

Neither of them moved. 

“We really should but I’d rather stay here.”

“Me too,” Todd laughed. He pecked his lips once more, then once more again, and once more. “Okay,” he spoke. “Now we’ll actually go.”

They made their way out of the backstage area to the area right outside the school’s theatre where the actors typically would meet their parents or whoever came to see them. For Todd and Neil, that meant practically an entire entourage. 

“There they are!” he heard Charlie yell as soon as they stepped foot outside. 

Hugs and flurries of “amazing,” “I’m so proud,” and “I missed you” passed through them. Keating looked like he’d been crying at some point, but he didn’t point it out. He simply told him “thank you,” to which Keating told him he’d done it all himself. 

His mother appeared to him from within their mini-crowd almost as if there were a spotlight right above her head. 

“Neil,” she said. 

“Hi mom.” He wasn’t sure what to do. What do you say to your mother after nearly a year of no contact because she and your father drove you away? 

Apparently nothing, as before he could even think to say anything more, he was engulfed in a tight hug from her. He sighed into it. He hadn’t realised how much he’d missed her, and unlike past Neil, who would’ve bottled up how he felt entirely out of fear that showing emotion was simply too embarrassing, he told her so. 

“I missed you too,” she said. Then, “your father doesn’t know I’m here; he doesn’t know where you are either, so don’t you worry about that.” She stroked her hands through his hair, like a mother should. 

Relief flooded through him. He would never have gone back anyway, but at least this way he wouldn’t have to explain himself to anyone. He didn’t think his mother would ask him why he left anyway; it had certainly been clear. 

“Thanks for coming,” he said. 

“I missed the last one. I won’t miss anymore, I promise,” she said. And Neil let himself believe her. After all he’d been through with his family, he let himself have this one promise to hold on to. 

When he pulled away from her, Todd and his own mother were standing by them. Todd’s expression looked slightly bewildered, although he supposed it probably mirrored his own. 

Mrs Anderson put her hand forth to him. “Jennifer Anderson. Nice to meet you,” she said. He was slightly confused, but shook her hand anyway. 

“Neil. Nice to meet you too.”

She seemed pleased with that answer, and only then did she smile. 

“You were very good!”

“Thank you,” he said. It was only slightly awkward, which was a lot less than he had expected had he ever had to meet Todd’s mom. 

When he looked towards Todd, he saw that he was speaking to his mum, about something to do with the scriptwriting process, and it hit him that he hadn’t seen his mother that engaged or interested in a conversation in years. 

In his astonishment, Charlie came to stand by him. “I was shocked too!”

“You! I have a lot to say to you, Nuwanda.”

“It’s Charlie.”

“Huh?” Had he entered another dimension at some point?

“I’m not at Hellton anymore,” was all he said. Neil was not having it. 

“And?”

“And Chet and Monty made me realise I can just be myself now. So, it’s Charlie. Except on weekends. Then it’s still Nuwanda.”

He laughed. “I’d expect nothing less from you.”

“How did you manage to change the topic – your mom.”

“She’s talking.”

“Exactly, I was so shocked. I think she and Mrs Anderson became friends. Like a Mom Solidarity Alliance. It’s been good for her.”

“I can’t believe you talked to her.”

“It was an accident, really. Chet and I just kinda ran into them. They were like ‘where are our sons?’ And I was like;” he waved his hands around the air and gave a shrugging motion; “‘why would I tell you that?’ and they were like ‘tell us’ so I was like ‘be here at this place at this time,’ and let them decide whether to come or not. Crazy, really. I could’ve been lying to them.”

“You’re not that evil,” he laughed. 

“No, I suppose not. They must’ve been really desperate to see you both, though, is what I’m saying.”

He let that revelation set in his chest for a moment, gravity tying it down. 

“Charlie?”

“Hmm?”

“Thank you.”

He laughed. “You’re so sentimental lately.”

“Stop deflecting it every time someone says it. Seriously, thanks. Not just for getting everyone here but like, you’re the only reason Todd and I are here. Like, this was your big master plan,” he laughed. “And it worked!”

He watched him smile to himself a bit. “You’re welcome. I can’t say I have anything else planned, though.”

“For me?” 

“Yeah.”

“Good! You have stuff for yourself, though, right?”

“For once, yes! Can you believe it?! I’m going touring with Monty!” 

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Okay, okay. Tonight’s celebration is for me, Todd, you, and Monty, okay?”

“Okay,” he laughed. 

“I’m proud of you,” he said. 

“Me too.”

The celebration – or rather, the special dinner Todd had planned for just himself, Neil, Jeff, Monty, and Charlie – turned out to be much rowdier than expected. 

First of all, they had to decide whether or not they wanted their mothers knowing where they lived. They decided, ultimately, that it was okay; they wanted their moms in their lives from now on, despite the fact they definitely wouldn’t be a permanent aspect of their daily lives. 

Second of all, they had quite a group, and their apartment was definitely too small for everyone. Luckily, their friends didn’t mind sitting on the floor of their living room for the most part. (Cameron did mind, and almost succeeded in intimidating Peggy into sitting on the floor in his place. He did, however, succeed in getting Chet to switch with him, who would then be sitting next to Charlie. Perhaps it wasn’t the floor that Cameron minded after all). 

Thirdly, there was NOT enough food. The food that Todd had made was divine, and was shared between him, Monty, Charlie , Jeff, and Mrs Anderson. The rest had to get burgers from the restaurant opposite their apartment. It was funny, really, watching Keating and his mother talk over burgers and fries.

He mostly watched; he’d spoken a lot that day already, and he didn’t have to play the role of diplomatic-wants-to-talk-to-everyone Neil anymore, so he watched. 

He watched as Chet and Charlie spoke, seemingly lost in their own little world together, talking about something to do with guitar strings and some band Neil had never heard of. He made note of the way Charlie looked at him in a similar way to how he used to look at Knox, one difference being the lack of underlying sadness resting under it all, the other difference being Chet seemed to look at him the same. 

He watched as Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron discussed what they were up to at their respective universities. It all seemed like very smart stuff, and like with Chet and Charlie’s conversation, Neil didn’t understand most of it, but he saw that they seemed happy, and so he was too. 

He watched Ginny and Knox, who both seemed to be talking about girls they’d seen at the show; girls who seemed accurately similar in description to his very own Peggy and Harriet. 

It reminded him vaguely of the dinner. Yes, that dinner, the last one before he left everyone for what felt like for good. Only this time he was a year older, and knew he hadn’t really left anyone or anything for good; he’d just grown up a bit, and in growing up had left himself with the same friends and then some. He remembered how they’d all cried in his garden, thinking it was probably the end of the world, and chuckled to himself at how delightfully wrong they’d been. 

He remembered thinking it was the last time he would probably ever see his mother, and how he’d still thought that until just a few hours prior. He remembered worrying his father would somehow find him, and revelled in the courage given to him by knowing his mother would protect him from being found. 

He realised Monty wasn’t present in his little flashback, and had the realisation he’d only actually met Monty less than a year ago, and he’d assumed it would be a one-off thing. He was so glad he’d been wrong, and so glad he’d met such an amazing friend. He thought the same about Harriet, and Peggy, and even Chet and Jeff, all of whom he hoped would be part of his new and current life for years to come. 

He couldn’t hear the clock ticking. They had one, somewhere, but the apartment was much too rowdy for him to hear it. 

And as rowdy as it had been, there was still room for two more special guests – Donna and Evelyn – who invited themselves over, feeling much too dreadful for missing the show. (They’d been working. Neil didn’t mind. They’d already given him more than he would ever be able to pay back.)

They held hands when they came in, and didn’t stop as they made their way round the apartment, greeting everyone they had and hadn’t met before the same. No one commented on it, and it gave Neil more happiness than he ever thought he’d be able to get from something as simple as acceptance. 

As Donna and Evelyn spoke to his and Todd’s mothers, he thought about how many people in that room actually knew about his and Todd’s relationship. He made a mental list. 

  1. Charlie. 
  2. All their friends from Welton. Charlie would have told Knox who would’ve told Meeks who would’ve told Pitts who would’ve told Cameron.
  3. Donna and Evelyn. Their beds had been pushed back together.
  4. Monty. He was an Aquarius and therefore very shrewd and very perceptive. He also had seen them kissing once outside one of his gigs.
  5. Chet. He couldn’t remember a time he’d made an effort to hide it from Chet. He was also friends (more than?) with Charlie.
  6. Jeff. Always called Neil his “little brother-in-law” over the phone. Greeted him as such when they met, much to Todd’s embarrassment. 
  7. Keating. That man is too smart not to have figured it out or at least suspected. 
  8. Ginny. Well, Ginny knew he had a crush on Todd back when they were in Vermont. She should know by now.



Right, so really it was just their mothers that didn’t know. 

He looked for Todd, to find that Todd had been watching him possibly that whole time he’d been busy lost in his own thoughts. 

They were in the middle of their own living room, not out of sight, nor out of mind, nor by any means alone. With that in mind, Neil leant his face close to Todd’s, and said “kiss me,” a smile playing on his lips, hoping Todd would just know exactly what he was trying to do. 

And he did. Well, he looked slightly confused for a moment, then, his eyes went wide and a very not-Todd-like mischievous grin spread right across his face. Then, he nodded, leaning in and kissing him with no less determination and vigour than the first time they’d kissed. 

He hadn’t expected no reaction whatsoever, like with Donna and Evelyn, but he hadn’t expected their friends – Charlie’s voice standing out amongst them – to start cheering and jeering, some even clapping. 

They pulled away, to find that mostly people were laughing at them. 

“Is that the reaction you wanted?” Knox said through his own laughter. 

“Everyone already fucking knows, you two,” Jeff spoke next. 

Light-hearted murmurs of agreement and laughs spread throughout the room. 

Neil didn’t mind, nor did Todd. They got the general reaction they wanted – overwhelming acceptance – but the real test was for their mothers. This was who they were; this was the life they wanted for themselves. Above all, after choosing to leave Vermont and leave their families, they chose each other. 

Mrs Anderson’s hand was gripping his mother’s arm, and both faces seemed slightly stunned. Ah, he knew someone would have forgotten to inform them, or rather, chosen to let them tell their mothers in their own time, on their own terms, if they wished to. 

He didn’t look down. He didn’t apologise. He just looked at them, almost challengingly. 

“We,” Mrs Anderson began, “talked about this. The possibility of this being the case. Obviously we didn’t hope for it but-”

“Jen!” his mother interrupted her. He tried to remember a single other time he’d seen her interrupt someone; he couldn’t. “What Mrs Anderson is trying to say, dears, is that we will accept whatever this is that you’re doing. That’s what we discussed, right Jen?”

“Right. I was getting to that part. We don’t want to lose you both again. And you both chose this life for yourselves, so all we can do is ask that you let us into it.”

“Right.” His mother confirmed. 

“Okay,” Todd said, nodding beside him. 

“Excellent,” he added. 

“Right, well,” Chet started. “That was a bit dramatic, but if we’re doing announcements, I have one too.”

Could this be…? Neil’s own thoughts trailed into nothingness as Chet stood up. 

“I’ve decided I’ll be touring with Charlie and Monty.”

An “Oh my God!” escaped Charlie.

“Yeah,” Chet laughed. “I wanna see where it takes us, if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah.” Charlie sounded breathless. Neil couldn’t wait to make fun of him for it later. 

“Another announcement!” Evelyn exclaimed, treading carefully so as to not step on anyone sitting down as she made her way to the centre of the living room. 

“Dale called! Neil, he didn’t want me to tell you in case it made you nervous but there were a few talent scouts he invited to Opening Night and–” she prolonged the word. “Drumroll! Come on!”

People pattered their hands on the closest hard surface available to them: floor panels, tables, chairs, etc. 

“They want you for an audition!”

“No!” He couldn’t believe his luck. 

“Yes! Believe it, you were cookin’ with gas; they all liked you.” 

Neil heard Cameron whisper-ask Meeks what ‘cooking with gas’ meant; he giggled to himself slightly.

“So, it’s an audition for something called A Man for All Seasons, and Dale said the script looks real fuckin’ promising. End of announcement.” She sat back down, happily. 

He felt Todd take his hand. “You should go for it,” he spoke quietly, as if the conversation were between only them and there wasn’t an entire room of people listening for his response. 

He smiled at him, in this painfully soft and enamoured way his face saved just for Todd, and said “okay.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! 
> 
> the play Neil is abt to audition for is a real play that won real tony's. Neil was NOT however a real actor in it in real life unfortunately. 
> 
> Chet x Charlie is fucking hilarious to me I really came into this intending knarlie but that evidently didn't happen so erm have this instead! 
> 
> thank you fo reading there is one chapter left!
> 
> twt is @ VERUMlS


	8. Dream A Little Dream of Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh my fucking god it's the end okay the chapter summary issssss
> 
> FUCK MR PERRY AWFUL MAN 
> 
> also Neil and Todd r rich like mega rich good for them
> 
> so is monty
> 
> Charlie speaks every single language in the world that's acc a side note bc u don't see it but like just know it's true

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Campitts and Leah
> 
> im crying as im writing this message. I really love you all so much. thank you for inspiring me to write and just being the loveliest most amazing people I've met in a while. 
> 
> this is for all of you
> 
> // this is by far the shortest chapter but it's more of an epilogue! hope you enjoy <3 its v messy I am aware

December 23rd, 1961

When Neil Perry had first heard he was rumoured to be getting nominated for a Tony award, he’d been so overjoyed that he told Todd on a whim, forgetting that he hadn’t actually been nominated yet.  After attending every rehearsal without fail, and putting on a performance he knew in himself was wonderful, here he sat, at seven PM on Christmas Eve Eve, with a boyfriend he loved more than anything in the world, and a life he wouldn’t trade for anything anyone could offer him. 

Dinner was quiet, but not silent. He and Todd laughed and talked as usual, only this time the added buzz of Tony nomination announcements taking place that evening was swarming through the air around them. The clock ticked, a continuous reminder to be excited for what was to come. 

In a different house, in a different part of the country, Mr Perry sat next to his wife, who had inexplicably and ever-so loudly demanded he sit down with her and watch the TV. 

They had to wait a while, and his wife didn’t seem particularly interested in any of what was happening – some kind of nomination announcements – until the category Best Actor in a Leading Role came in a blurred font on the screen before them. It was clear she was trying not to look too excited. 

Mr Perry couldn’t remember the last time she’d acted like this. 

In an attempt to not think about his dreadfully boring marriage, he opted to try and pay some attention to the TV. Two men’s names were called, with photographs of them each respectively appearing as they were. Then, shockingly and – did he hear that right? – a name was called. A name he hadn’t heard nor spoken about in almost two years. 

“Neil Perry – A Man For All Seasons,” he relayed the voice in his head. 

Well, surely not his Neil, he thought, not really believing it but holding on to the thought for just about as long as he could until his son’s photo was displayed on the screen right in front of him, approximately a second and a half for those curious. 

His thought process after seeing that stopped for a moment; a few moments, actually, as the image stayed there burning itself in as the rest of the nominees were announced presumably. 

Neil, who he’d been told by the school had run off to God-knows-where, was on his television screen, being praised and acknowledged for something he’d told the boy nothing good would ever come of. His first real thought, after the initial processing, was less of a thought and more of a feeling: guilt. 

It swept over him in waves and waves and forced him to think about how had he never told Neil he couldn’t do the play from two years ago in the first place, he’d still have his son at home, or at least know his whereabouts. 

The second feeling was regret: a pounding, panging, painful shadow of regret panning over him. It was regret that he had missed the fact that his own son was clearly capable enough to do things on his own in his own way, and regret that he’d projected his own regrets onto him enough for him to leave entirely. The regret merged with some fleeting feeling of embarrassment alongside. 

The third feeling, and its placement in this consecutive list of events should be noted, was relief. Relief that his son – Neil – was alive. Alive and well and perfectly stable and normal and well-respected and… successful. 

His son, well, if Neil still even thought of him as a father, was successful. 

The regret pounded just a little more. 

His wife’s voice was the only thing that brought him out of his thoughts. She was on the phone, seemingly speaking to the Anderson woman she’d become friends with at some point. He wasn’t sure. He hadn’t been paying attention. 

He heard her sound excited. She must’ve suspected this. 

He should be angry with her, a part of him thought. But the rest of him – the embarrassed, rueful, relieved part – was too rational to get angry in that moment. He thought briefly to himself. If he’d known Neil was safe the whole time, and she’d been the one who drove him away in the first place, he probably wouldn’t have told her either. If anything, he realised, he was lucky she even turned on the TV and let him watch in the first place.

In that moment, Mr Perry chose to do the most decent thing he’d done for his family in years: he took a step back. 

Elsewhere, around the same time Mr Perry was wallowing in his pathetic epiphany, a certain John Keating was revelling in a different kind of epiphany – one of joy and pride and ‘my God I’m part of the reason that boy did that.’ And, in a way, he took and felt every single emotion Mr Perry should have been having in that moment, and felt them a thousand times stronger. 

He let it sink in for a few moments, before dialling his own wife’s phone number, who had only met Neil once, sometime during that Autumn just gone, but had known from that occasion alone he was destined to do well. 

As well as all parents and adults, Neil’s friends were feeling something similar. 

Somewhere, outside a shop window in the middle of Miami, Nuwanda (it was a Saturday), Monty, Chet, and Harriet, were staring through the glass onto a small TV that was showing the nominations. Chet had suggested they listen to it on the radio, Nuwanda had said, “this is no time for jokes,” and found them somewhere to watch accordingly. 

In four different states, New York being one of them, Knox, Meeks, Pitts, and Cameron also sat down to watch. 

Donna, Evelyn, Harriet, Peggy, Ginny, everyone Neil had gotten to know, as well as everyone Neil will ever get to know, also sat down to watch. 

And, like Keating, their hearts and souls swelled with pride as they did. 

As expected, there were tears, screams, hugs, and phone calls with even more tears and screams shared. 

In some ways, Neil’s friends experienced every emotion Mr Perry should’ve felt, had he not royally fucked that up for himself. 

But no one on Earth felt pride quite as strongly in that moment as Todd. 

Todd, who had watched Neil’s very first revelation that he really wanted to get into acting, who’d helped him practice lines and stayed up into the night watching him practice, would pull Neil into a fierce hug, half in comfort and excitement, and half to hide his own tears that he had already anticipated would begin to fall as soon as it was announced. 

Their phone rang. Neither of them got up to answer. They were having friends over the next day, who would congratulate them and express how happy they were for them; Todd, who’d just got his first book published, and Neil, who was now a Tony-award nominated actor. 

But none of them would be as happy as Todd. 

Todd would pull Neil into a kiss, and tell him he loved him a thousand times over. He’d wipe Neil’s tears and laugh as Neil pointed out that he was crying too. 

“I love you,” he said, for the millionth time that night, as Neil was already falling asleep. 

“I love you too, dearest.”

*

April 29, 1962

“I’m not gonna make this very long. I’m bad with words when I’m the one that has to write them.

Firstly, I’d like to thank everyone who made this production possible; you’re all awesome and I’m amazed by every wonderful thing you do. Secondly, I’d like to thank everyone I’ve met in my life who’s helped me get here: Dale Jennings, Donna and Evelyn Winters, Monty, Charlie especially, John Keating, my best friends the Dead Poets Society who’ve given me Dead Poets Honour that they’re all watching right now; and, Todd, who’s sitting right there. Yes, camera on him, he hates that but it’s fine for just a moment. 

Todd: you’re the only reason I agreed to move in the first place, and the only reason I’m where I am now. You know more than I can say up here but thank you. 

Lastly,” 

he reached into his pocket. 

“This is a piece of the headpiece I wore in the first ever production I was ever a part of. I got the leading role and I remember being so excited about it. My friends were wonderful and came to see it, too.”

He sighed. 

“It was also the day I decided – well, was told – I’d have to quit acting. But, as you can see, I didn’t. So, if you’re watching this and thinking about doing something that you know you’re good at or could be good at and you’re really passionate about it, please go for it. It’s your life; live for yourself. 

Robert Frost once said ‘two roads diverged in the wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by.’ Thank you so much to everyone who encouraged me to take that road. I love you all dearly.”

Neil lived as he loved, with bravery and perseverance and all the qualities he’d earned himself through becoming himself. 

He did not feel trapped, nor did he feel like he had to act anymore, despite his professional title being “actor.”

When they had enough money to do so, which wasn’t much long after, Neil and Todd moved themselves to the city of LA, wanting to take on a new adventure, once again starting fresh with only each other. 

And even then, Neil never had to act as anything other than himself when he wasn’t onstage. It became common – unspoken about, but common – knowledge, that he and Todd were partners. They were some kind of author-actor duo that no one could do anything but talk about. 

To their closest friends, who would remain the same throughout the majority of their lives, they would be later known as Todd-and-Neil, The Anderson-Perry’s, or, a title Charlie coined at some point after they moved again, The Anderperry’s, fashioned after their house became less of a house and more of a mansion. 

(“Christ. This is The Anderperry Mansion, not a fucking house!” he’d said. Neil said he’d been living in various hotels for too long. Charlie said Chet was just obsessed with travelling, but Neil had a sneaking suspicion Charlie enjoyed it just as much.)

Near their own house was Monty’s, eventually shared with Harriet when Peggy decided to become a journalist and start doing quite a bit of travelling herself. Neil loved it; he loved seeing his friends. They were something similar to a family, rather, with how adamant they were in staying all together despite however many miles distance there was between them all. 

There wasn’t always distance. He and Todd travelled to London a few times to see Keating and his wife and their new baby daughter; they’d all met up around February for no apparent reason other than they missed everyone being together; and they would meet again a few nights after this particular Tony Awards, because, in Knox’s words, “how could we not?”

And when they did, Neil once again carried Todd on his back, Todd only jumping down right as they reached Monty’s front door, (Monty’s house was much better for get-togethers. For one, he had a pool) and held hands as they entered, not too worried in the slightest about how the people around them might perceive them. 

They were happy, they were safe; they had everything they’d ever wanted. Each other, acting, writing, and family who loved them unconditionally. 

And, above all, Neil thought to himself quietly as he swayed slightly to a familiar tune – Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong was that? – and the demands of the alcohol, he had done it all with the love of the boy sitting next to him, who he would always and forever be totally crazily wonderfully enamoured with, who was smiling at him in the same way he always did when he had an idea.

“What?” he asked him, amused. 

“It’s our song! Dream A Little Dream of Me, our song! Dance with me!”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end! yes! it's cyclic but not rly
> 
> If you have anything you wanna talk about like Monty or whatever (pls I love monty) pls leave a comment I will discuss in detail every aspect of this fic's universe. 
> 
> please tell me what you thought! thank you so so so so much for reading if you got this far! 
> 
> I can't believe it's over im really gonna miss them
> 
> I thoroughly enjoyed writing this story and just learning about the time period and the culture and just all the research I did for it was so interesting! 
> 
> twt is @VERUMlS , I love you all
> 
> lastly, no I do not proof read, no I probably never will, I am sorry


End file.
